Couples fight. It’s normal and real, but it also doesn’t have to be totally awful. In fact, it is important that we hash things out in our relationships. However, Michelle, over at staymarriedblog.com, and I agree. Having some ground rules for keeping fights fair is invaluable. Our fights don’t have to be all-out screaming matches that leave us in heaps of sadness and all of the bruised feels. In fact, it’s possible to leave a conflict feeling heard and validated. Curious? Here are some helpful rules for keeping your fights fair:

1. No name-calling.

First thing’s first, friends. We must be kind to our beloved(s). Name-calling and insulting doesn’t solve problems, it creates them.

2. No interrupting

Keep the dialogue going. When emotional temperatures rise, it can be really hard to get a hold of our tongues. Make sure everyone who is part of the fight has enough time to express themselves clearly.

3. No blaming or accusations.

It’s just not useful, you know? When we blame our partner, we’re really only inviting defensiveness and end up escalating the argument even further. Plus, it takes you farther away from solving the problem and closer to disconnection. Focus instead on what can be done about it.

4. No yelling.

This escalates things further, too. Take a couple of big deep breaths instead of raising the volume. If yelling seems like the only option, see #10.

5. No sarcasm or contempt.

Say what we mean and mean what we say. Sarcasm can be really confusing and totally derail the whole process! In order to have a fruitful conversation, it’s really important to express ourselves as clearly as we can.

6. No defensiveness.

Think “respond not react.” When our partner says something that stings a little bit, we can give ourselves a moment to digest the information. Reacting defensively can make your fight worse and can derail the conversation.

7. No generalizations or global criticism (you always, you never, you’re selfish).

Chances are, our partners aren’t actually “always” doing something and “never” doing something else. Stay in the present moment. What is this fight about? How does this feel right now?

8. No physical/emotional intimidating gestures/violence/threats.

Use of or threatening to use force of any kind is straight up unacceptable. Don’t do it, and don’t tolerate it.

9. No walking out without naming a follow-up time.

We all fight differently. Some of us prefer to leave the room when things get heated. That is totally okay! But letting fights just hang out in the air like that can feel really crappy later. Make sure to agree on a time in the near future to follow up, within 24 hours is best.

10. Use of, and respect for, the Time Out.

If it all feels like too much, it’s time for a Time Out. Fights can and do get really heated all the time. If we find ourselves violating the rules above (or really, really wanting to). Call a Time Out and take a 30-minute breather. Big emotions can have big physiological impacts on our bodies. Giving ourselves some time to cool off and collect our thoughts means that we can come back to the conversation and actually get somewhere.

Perhaps some of these rules don’t feel like they fit. That’s okay! Part of the fun of having our very own relationships is that we get to make the rules as we go. Make dinner together, grab some pens, and create a list of fair fighting rules that fit your relationship. Feel stuck? Feel free to use the list above for ideas, and remember that a therapist can help you prioritize your relationship and build the life you want, together.

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Active listening is such a potent force in relationships! It fosters understanding, trust, and intimacy with the people that we care about. So, we want to offer up the following skills to help you be a more active and truly present listening partner.

It’s soooooooo easy to be preoccupied and impatient in life, we often have so much on our minds. We often miss opportunities to turning towards our loved ones. It can be challenging to give them our undivided attention and presence when they are talking to us.

ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

1. Be Present

Active listening skills require being present! Make eye contact, put down your phone and turn off notifications. Turn toward the person physically. All of these things go a long way toward helping someone feel tuned into!

2. Minimal encouragers

Use brief, positive prompts to keep the conversation going and show you are listening – for example, “umm-hmmm,” “Oh?” “I understand,” “Then?” “And?”

3. Probing

Ask questions aimed at getting more details like “Who, what, where, and which … ?” As well as, asking questions to draw the person out and get more meaningful information – for example, “What did you do then or how was that for you …?”

4. Warm Up Your Tone of Voice

Your tone of voice can convey a wealth of information, ranging from enthusiasm to disinterest to anger. Start noticing how your tone of voice affects how others respond to you and try making it warmer or softer. For example, show interest in something by expressing your enthusiasm by using an animated tone of voice.

5.Validation

Acknowledge the individual’s problems, issues, and feelings. Listen openly and with empathy, and respond in an interested way – for example, “You seem really sad (frustrated, lonely, angry, etc) about this situation . . .” or “What else is bothering you about that? …”

6. Restating

To show you are listening, repeat every so often what you think the person said – not by parroting, but by paraphrasing what you heard in your own words. For example, “So, you ….” or, “Let’s see if I’m clear about this …”

7. Reflecting

Instead of just repeating, reflect the speaker’s words in terms of feelings – for example, “This seems really important to you. . . Or you seem really frustrated …”

8. Giving feedback

If the person asks for feedback, let them know what your initial thoughts are on the situation. Share pertinent information, observations, insights, and experiences. Don’t fix! Then listen carefully to confirm. And be sure to ask, “would you like my feedback?” No one likes unsolicited advice, especially when they are just wanting to vent or verbally process and aren’t wanting a solution yet.

9. Emotion Labeling

Putting feelings into words will often help a person to see things more objectively. To help the person begin, use “door openers” — for example, “I’m sensing that you’re feeling frustrated. . . worried. . . anxious. . .” 

10. Summarizing

Bring together the facts and pieces of the problem to check understanding – for example, “So it sounds to me as if . . .” Or, “Is that it?”

11. Effective Pause

Deliberately pause at key points for emphasis. This will tell the person you are saying something that is very important to them. 

12. Silence

Allow for comfortable silences to slow down the exchange. Give a person time to think as well as talk. Silence can also be very helpful in diffusing an unproductive interaction.

13. “I” messages

By using “I” in your statements, you focus on the problem not the person. An “I” message lets the person know what you feel and why – for example, “I feel sad when things don’t go well at work …”

14. Redirecting

If someone is showing signs of being overly aggressive, agitated, or angry, this is the time to shift the discussion to another topic or ask for a time out from the conversation. Boundaries to protect yourself are important for all of us. We can be there for people as long as they are respectful to us, even when practicing active listening.

ACTIVE LISTENING: THE TAKEAWAY

Active listening is a superpower in relationships. It deepens connections, resolves conflicts, enhances intimacy, and fosters personal growth. As therapists, we’ve harnessed this power to help countless individuals and couples build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. It’s a skill that not only transforms relationships but also enriches lives, one empathetic ear at a time. And, we are so happy to ce sharing what we’ve learned with you in this blog post.

Stay tuned, our next post will talk about communication blockers and the art of questioning!¹

Relationship Insights is all about improving your relationship to others as well as to yourself! If you need a support or guidance about how to do that, the therapists at Relationship Insights are only an email or 30 minute free consultation away!

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Are there different kinds of therapist licensure? Yes!  As we’re scrolling through therapy profiles, we might see lots of different letters and terms that are mostly meaningless to us. Should I care whether my therapist is some iteration of MFT? Or LICSW? Well, lucky for you, we are here to shed some light on the topic. Without knowing what so many terms and phrases mean, it can be more challenging to find the right therapist for you.

So, let’s break it down, shall we?

INITIAL IMPRESSIONS

After a clinician’s name, we might see a string of initials, or credentials. These initials indicate which licensing board the person relies on for ethical and legal guidelines. They also tell us a bit of information about the education and training a person has completed. Every licensure and school of thought has a slightly different approach to how they approach change. For example, LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists) approach changes from a wide-angle. Schools that train them tend to focus on a systemic lens. That is, we look at the broad context of the lives of our clients. Other approaches might vary somewhat. No matter the credential, therapists across the board answer to licensure boards, laws, and ethical guidelines to ensure that clients are kept safe and their information private. 

LMFT: LICENSED MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists get training to approach therapy from a systemic or contextual lens These folks have specialized training in working within a family system. LMFTs are trained to approach an individual’s change by addressing the systemic issues within a family, social group, or beyond. Under this umbrella, you may also see LAMFT (Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist) or MA (Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy). These indicate where the clinician is in the therapist licensure process. 

LICSW: LICENSED INDEPENDENT CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER

Similarly, social workers tend to approach change from a systemic perspective. Social workers consider where a client comes from and how the world helped to shape them. That being said, LICSWs are trained to treat clients from an individual perspective, meaning that social workers consider an individual’s social development from an inside out point of view. You might see variations on those initials. For example, you may also see LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) or LGSW (Licensed Graduate Social Worker). 

LP: LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST

A Licensed Psychologist usually has completed a Ph.D. in psychology. Meaning, that while they can and do provide therapy services, they often are also able to do additional psychological testing and more in-depth diagnostic services. 

LPCC: LICENSED PROFESSIONAL CLINICAL COUNSELOR

You may also see LPC or Licensed Professional Counselor under this umbrella of terms. LPCs and LPCCs also received training to approach therapy from an individual perspective. This perspective doesn’t mean that these folks don’t consider the socio-cultural context of their clients. It mostly means their focus stays on the individual and their behavior. 

LADC: LICENSED ALCOHOL AND DRUG COUNSELOR

Licensed Alchohol and Drug Counselors work exclusively with folks at various stages of addiction recovery. LADCs are specially trained to work with issues of substance and behavioral addiction. You may even see therapists and counselors who have LADC plus something else. This means they’re dually licensed–or working toward that goal!

PsyD: DOCTOR OF PSYCHOLOGY

Whereas a Licensed Psychologist (LP) tends to have a Ph.D. in psychology with a clinical focus, a clinician with a PsyD has a doctorate in clinical psychology. What this means is that a PsyD is a practical application of psychological research. Folks in Ph.D. programs tend to do a lot of research into how things work for the human psyche. People in PsyD programs focus on how best to use all of that information to make a clinical impact. 

PSYCHIATRIST

A psychiatrist usually doesn’t do much in the form of therapy but can often be an integral part of the treatment team, should they be needed. Psychiatrists are MDs (Medical Doctors) whose job is to prescribe and manage medications for the treatment of mental health concerns. 

MA/MS

This stands for Master of Arts and Master of Science, respectively. These initials mean that someone has graduated from a Master’s program in their designated field. For example, a therapist can have an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy and be in the process of getting the requirements for further licensing. Therapists with an MA or MS following their names will have a supervisor or two and have a lot of guidance from licensed therapists. 

INTERN

An intern is a student in a Master of Arts or Master of Science degree in a particular field of study. An internship, or Practicum, can be a few months long or over a year, depending on the degree a student is seeking. During an internship, the therapist will have at least two supervisors and lots of very experienced licensed professionals on their team. 

THERAPY 101 LICENSURE AND LETTERS: THE TAKEAWAY

Though the task of finding a therapist can feel overwhelming, most often, the license or type of therapy might not matter all that much. Folks of all licensures and training are all trained to help you work toward whatever mental wellness goals you have. More important than how your therapist got there is how you feel about the connection you have with them. The relationship built in the therapy room is arguably an essential part of the process.

Whatever the license type, you are hiring a professional who has guidelines, laws, and ethics to abide by and should at all times. These rules are more than professional courtesies. You, as the client, have rights and responsibilities in the process, too. You can find a link to Relationship Insight’s Client Rights and Responsibilities form here.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are many more licenses and methodologies for doing therapy. Like every client, every therapist is different! As a client, the best practice is to ask questions! More likely than anything, the title your therapist has isn’t the important part. The important part is whether or not you feel comfortable, safe, and a connection with your therapist. 

As always, the incredible therapists at Relationship Insights are here for you. Maybe you’ve never been to therapy before, or have previously had bad experiences with therapists. Perhaps you are an old seasoned pro, or somewhere in between. No matter where you are on the spectrum, we have space, time, and a lot of great stuff to share with you!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Therapy 101: Therapist Licensure And Letters appeared first on Relationship Insights.

WHAT IS MINDFULNESS?

Mindfulness has become something of a buzzword lately. Although simple at face value – mindfulness is the act of paying attention to the moment in the moment – it is a complex idea to put into action. The problem many of us face is that we are so accustomed to multi-tasking, numbing, and doing things that take our mind out of the moment, that it seems like a huge battle to try to change that. And why is it important? For the long explanation, see this video. Actually paying attention to one thing at a time in the moment that you are doing it can really change the way you think.

ARE YOU MULTITASKING?

In what ways is multitasking built into your life? Do you have a cell phone bothering you while you are working? Is your smart watch buzzing while you are trying to have an in-person conversation? It feels that the more technology becomes a part of our daily reality, the easier it is to multitask. But the problem with multitasking is that by splitting your attention amongst various tasks, you don’t get to give your full attention to anything, and so all the tasks suffer. Are there ways in which you can cut multitasking out of your life?

CAN EATING BE NUMBING?

In our pop-a-pill culture where we are so intensely medicated by both medical professionals and through legal and illicit drug use that is has become the norm to just numb through difficult emotions or pain instead of figuring out how to cope with them. One drug we don’t talk about as much is food.

People who compulsively overeat often turn to food when they are not hungry, but rather to numb from their negative emotions. This provides a temporary fix until the guilt sets in about overeating and can be especially difficult, as you can’t cut food out of your life like you can with drugs. Seeking therapy can be one way to unload all of the emotions that you might have been “stuffing down” or “numbing” over time so that you can release the pressure that builds.

WHAT’S HARD ABOUT BEING MINDFUL?

Sometimes people are driven not to be mindful. Because, when they are quiet and alone, difficult thoughts often come up. Thoughts related to depression, which usually bring unhappy memories from the past. Or anxious thoughts, which usually makes us worry about the future. Or, even other mental health concerns.

If you find it is difficult to be alone with your thoughts, then it is time to find someone safe to share them with. You might start with a friend or family member but may find someone outside your social life, such as a therapist, helpful with this. If you have any thoughts of harming yourself or others, please seek help immediately by contacting emergency services/911 or a local crisis resource.

HOW CAN YOU PRACTICE BEING MINDFUL?

Part of mindfulness is being in your body in the moment. For some people, this may be somewhat of a foreign concept. We, especially as women, tend to take a position of desiring to change our bodies. It’s very challenging to accept our bodies as they are, and as the only body, we will ever have. Getting back “in” your body and getting in touch with its signals and feelings can build acceptance. The body becomes reintegrated with the mind, which is really two halves of our whole selves.

To start, you might try a body scan. This involves sitting quietly in a comfortable spot with your eyes closed, focusing on relaxing different parts of your body. This falls into the category of “guided meditation,” and can be a great way to get started with mindfulness. Try a search on YouTube or download an app – Calm and Simple Habit are some of my favorites.

MINDFULNESS TAKES PRACTICE

Some of you might have already explored some meditation, and thought “I’m no good at this,” or “I just can’t sit quietly for that long!” Please consider that your mindfulness skills are like a muscle to be built up over time. Check out the video above, by Ron Siegel. In it, he describes your mind as a puppy that you need to be patient with and train by being patient and bringing it back to the task at hand each time it strays. He also describes trying to think of your thoughts as clouds in the sky, just letting them float on by without getting stuck on them or judging your thoughts.

During guided meditations, such as the one linked above, it can be easier to keep your mind on task. This is because there is a voice to focus on and to go back to. After a while you may prefer “open meditation” or just sitting quietly without any guidance. Usually for a set period of time.

WHAT THEN?

Once you start to be in touch with your body, you will start to realize what an amazing machine it is! It is smart enough to tell you when it is hungry, what it is hungry for, when it is full, and when it is tired or in pain. If you can learn to listen to these signals and respond appropriately, your body has the opportunity to find balance and calm.

For more information about how to find peace with eating through honoring your body’s signals, check out intuitive eating.  Do you struggle to identify when you are hungry and when you are full? Or feel that you eat for reasons other than being hungry? If so, you may consider seeking out an eating disorder assessment. Work with an eating-disorder-informed therapist and/or dietitian may be helpful in reestablishing those cues.

MINDFULNESS: THE TAKEAWAY

Challenge yourself to integrate mindfulness into your life one bit at a time is a great way to start! Set an alarm to do a 5-minute meditation during your break at work, or find a meditation that helps you fall asleep. See what sort of calm and peace you can bring to your life by being mindful in this moment. Use all your senses, and observe all that is going on inside and outside of you, without judgment. Be your body’s own best friend and figure out how to receive all the communication it is sending you, and how to take care of yourself best.

Mindfulness is a journey. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us for support if you need some help reading the roadmap.

Nicole Pattee is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Relationship Insights in Minneapolis MN who helps women and. She has a passion for working with chronic illness, anxiety, as well as all things eating and body image. Nicole helps clients get in touch with their authentic selves, take clear action to reach their goals, and learn to listen to their inner voice. She offers concrete skills as well as lots of warm support! Contact her today: [email protected].

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There are a lot of very common misconceptions about going to therapy that keep people from seeking out the help they want or need. Many of these myths point to pervasive socio-cultural stigmas about needing help, mental illness, and the role of the therapist in our lives.

From popular media depictions of therapists (looking at you, Dr. Phil) to strong beliefs about mental illnesses, many of the myths that lots of us opt into aren’t quite as accurate as we think. And many of them are just plain wrong.

Let’s take a look at some of the most common myths that get in the way of folks getting the very helpful and life enhancing support they deserve:

THERAPY IS FOR “CRAZY” PEOPLE

First, let’s address this word, “crazy.” It isn’t helpful! While some people do indeed experience the world from a lens of diagnosable mental illnesses, the belief that these folks are simply “crazy” is harmful and inaccurate. In order to break down the very powerful social stigma around mental illness, the language we use is really important. There isn’t anything wrong with having been diagnosed with a mental illness. It is not a character assessment, but rather, a way to sum up a specific set of symptoms that impact someone’s life. 

It is true that people who have been diagnosed with mental illnesses utilize therapy as a form of treatment and symptom management. But therapy is also for everyone who identifies parts of themselves or their lives that feel sticky, challenging, or needing to be changed somehow. Every therapist approaches this differently, so don’t be afraid to ask questions. 

THERAPY LASTS FOREVER

Nope! I mean, it totally can, and some folks find regular visits to their therapist to be part of their total approach to wellness. However, if you’re seeking therapy to change or process something, lots of different approaches to therapy have different time frames. It lasts as long as you need it to.

For some therapeutic approaches, the timeline can be quite short! For example, Solution Focused Therapy is designed to be brief and straight to the point. Other approaches have different methods and lengths of time. It all really depends on you, your therapist, and the reasons you’re seeking out the help of a therapist.

THERAPISTS WILL SHAME AND CONFRONT YOU

If they do, leave. Ask for referrals and find a new therapist. Every legitimate therapist is under a legal and ethical obligation to serve your best interests, not their own. Trust your instincts on this, too. If that therapist doesn’t feel like a person who can hold safe space for you, you get to find someone who can.

Your therapist might offer challenges to patterns of thought or behavior, but that should never reach the level of shaming or making you feel inferior. 

THERAPY IS ONLY FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE

Well, yes and no. It is true that many therapists operate from strengths-based perspectives. What that often means is that your therapist is helping you to identify all of the stuff you do really well so that you can learn to navigate the world with your strengths, rather than from a place of shame or fear.

What that doesn’t mean is that every conversation needs to be about finding the silver lining. The most skilled therapists will meet you where you are and make space for every aspect of your experience; the good, the bad, the hard, and the ugly. There are lots of different ways therapists do this! More on that in a future installment of Therapy 101. 

THERAPY TURNS YOU INTO SOMEONE ELSE

In many ways, a goal of therapy can be to find you in a world that is constantly pulling us in so many directions. A world that is demanding our attention far, far away from ourselves and our needs. Therapy can be a place where you find yourself. A place where you can learn about your needs and learn how to communicate your needs.

If anything, therapy is there to help you become even more you. 

GOING TO THERAPY IS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS

Some of the work that is done in the therapy room asks us to find our remarkable strengths. Therapy can be good, hard work. You will be confronting old and unhelpful patterns, working through traumas, and learning how to communicate in relationships with others. And, sometimes, really tough stuff comes up, like learning ways to forgive and trust a partner after infidelity.

Many of us have been taught to believe that talking about our feelings (or even having them at all) is a sign of weakness. But, digging down deep into vulnerable spaces takes courage. Being radically honest and appreciative of ourselves and our stories is an incredible example of strength. 

THERAPY 101 MYTH-BUSTING: THE TAKEAWAY

These are only a small selection of the plethora of unhelpful beliefs many of us share about therapy. In some ways, these beliefs touch on how we feel about being helped. Lots of us aren’t taught how to ask for help, or identify when we might need it. It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to need help. Yes, it’s okay to want to change something in your life and not know-how. We are human in all of the ways that humanness can be. 

As always, the incredible therapists at Relationship Insights are here for you. Maybe you’ve never been to therapy before, or have previously had bad experiences with therapists. Perhaps you are an old seasoned pro, or somewhere in between. No matter where you are on the spectrum, we have space, time, and a lot of great stuff to share with you!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Therapy 101: Myth Busting appeared first on Relationship Insights.

If you’ve never been to therapy before, or have had particularly crappy experiences with choosing a therapist, the process can feel ridiculously daunting. Not only are you perhaps trying to navigate through the stigma of seeking out therapy in the first place, but also there are a lot of terms and things to know that we often don’t talk about. 

Therapy 101 will be your comprehensive guide to all things therapy!

First thing’s first …

CHOOSING A THERAPIST THAT IS THE RIGHT FIT FOR YOU

Keep in mind that therapists are humans! And just like any random human you might interact with, not every therapist’s style or personality are the right fit for everyone. It can feel pretty overwhelming to dive headfirst into a search for a professional when you aren’t quite sure what you’re doing. Fear not, your handy dandy therapist-next-door is here to help!

MONEY, HONEY

We’re gonna get this one upfront and center because it’s a huge part of the consideration! It’s also a sticky spot for lots of us. Particularly right now, having conversations about finances can feel, well, yucky. It’s also part of the exchange. What’s your budget?! How much money can you realistically utilize to pay for therapy? There is a really big range of price points for seeking out services.

For interns and newly graduated professionals, you can expect to pay a lower rate than for fully licensed and very experienced clinicians. Many skilled therapists choose not to work with health insurance companies due to paperwork and low reimbursements. That being said, if an out of pocket expense of $60-$150 per session isn’t in your budget, your health insurance company will have a list of folks who operate within your insurance network. There may also be sliding scale fees or other options available for any therapist you find! It never hurts to send them a quick email and ask. Check out our rates to get a sense of what it might look like.

SHOP AROUND

Looking at profiles of therapists can feel an awful like dating. Remember something: you are paying for a professional service. You can expect to be treated with dignity, respect, and having your boundaries honored always. This isn’t a decision you have to take lightly. You get to ask lots of questions! Many therapists offer free or low-cost consultations that are built for this very thing.

If something is pertinent to your life, it’s fair to ask someone how they work with that. What kind of training does this particular person have? Does their profile say something that feels good to you? Anything in particular that you are curious about? Therapy is for and about you. What do you feel like you need? Reach out to lots of folks! Set up consultations or intake sessions with a few different therapists. Try them all on for size and see who you feel the most comfortable with. 

CONSIDER SPECIALTIES

At the bottom of every profile for every therapist ever, there is probably a relatively long list of specialties and special interests that the therapist has. Check those out! If you’re looking for an LGBTQ+ identified or allied therapist, that therapist will have made it very clear that they are who you’re looking for. Same goes for BIPOC therapists and those who are culturally competent in ways that are relevant to your life. What specialties or special interests does a particular therapist have that stand out to you? This is a great way to begin to make sure that someone is more likely going to be a good fit for you.

Additionally, you might see words like Narrative Therapy, Existential Therapy, CBT, DBT, Gestalt Psychology, or, like, honestly a thousand others. This usually identifies a therapist’s preferred theoretical orientation. Each of these brands of therapy have different ways of thinking and different ways to treat similar issues or problems. If you want to know more about what a particular therapeutic orientation means, don’t be afraid to ask! And stay tuned for a closer look at some of these in future installments of Therapy 101!

WHAT DO THERAPIST TITLES MEAN?

It may feel strange to some to see the title Marriage and Family Therapist when they’re seeking therapy as an individual. Fear not! Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT, LAMFT), Clinical Social Workers (LICSW), Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors (LPCC, LPCA), and others often function mostly similarly. There may be some slight variations in how different folks approach therapy, so if you don’t know, ask them! 

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

You know yourself better than anyone else. Trust your instincts to read the situation and person accurately. If you feel like the person won’t serve your needs in the way you’d like, you can communicate that! Every really great therapist will want what’s best for you. Even if that means helping you find someone that fits you and your needs even better. Asking for referrals and recommendations based on your unique needs and personal preferences is A-OK! Most every therapist has a bunch of fellow therapist pals who they often refer to. 

CHOOSING A THERAPIST: THE TAKEAWAY

Choosing the right therapist for you, as daunting as it can totally feel, is really the first most important step to building the life you really want. Making sure that you’re working with someone who allows you to feel supported, cared for, and encouraged by can make a huge difference in the outcome of therapy. Allow yourself the space to be curious, discerning, and open to all sorts of possibilities! There are so many different ways to be a human and there are lots of different ways to do therapy. Finding just the right mix will really help the process from start to end.

RESOURCES

You can find profiles for therapists in your area on

• Psychology Today
• Therapy Den
• Good Therapy

And a good old fashioned google search! Tip: be specific in your google search. Use terms that are relevant to you. For example, couples therapy Minneapolis or Twin Cities trauma therapist.

And you can always check out the wonderful therapists at Relationship Insights! Be sure to reach out if you have any questions or if there is anything that we can do to support you!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Therapy 101: Choosing A Therapist appeared first on Relationship Insights.

Ah, the holidays are coming to an end and a new year is approaching. The gifts have been given, the travels have been traveled, the weird distant cousins have all gone home, and now we can kick our feet back and start making miles long lists of all of the shit we want to change about ourselves. Sweet, sweet… relief?

I don’t know about you, but I always feel a metric ton of pressure around New Years’. Not only are we reflecting back on the year behind us, but we are also planning for the one ahead (even resolutions backed by science; no pressure, right? and this article is really interesting!). 

While foresight and setting goals is a fabulous way to begin a new year, there might be a few things we want to keep in mind:

1. COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY

   There is something really magical about the motivation we feel at the beginning of things. It can be relatively easy to decide we’re going to quadruple our gym efforts and nail it for a few weeks. The issue that many of us run into is that our goals and resolutions aren’t actually all that realistic. We start to lose steam when we don’t keep ourselves in mind while we’re excitedly setting those goals.

   It’s a great goal to want to spend more time in the gym, but if you’re currently not spending any at all, it might be a bit overwhelming to start suddenly going every single day. You’re far more likely to burn out and stop going altogether. Set yourself up for success and keep your resolutions reachable!

2. YOU ARE PART OF THIS
   

   Many of us are taught that once we’re in a relationship, that’s all we need to focus on. If we focus on building our relationships with other people, and leave out our relationship with ourselves, chances are we might find it more and more challenging to show up!

   Make time for yourself. Prioritize your health and wellness. It is so much easier to walk into our relationships with others when we’re well taken care of. Start noticing what you need to thrive and allow yourself to have those things. We can only show up at 100% when we have 100% to give. If we’re constantly running on empty, our relationships are bound to be impacted.
   

3. COMMUNICATE!
   

   Communication in relationships is of the utmost importance. Though we all tend to understand that on a cognitive level, it can be challenging to follow through.

   Effectively communicating our needs to our partner(s) requires vulnerability both with ourselves and the other people involved. For more on this, you can read 10 Rules for Effective Communication here! Part of this, too, is learning how to fight effectively! More on that right here!
   

4. GROW TOGETHER
   

   Think of who you were 10 years ago. Chances are, there are lots of things that are the same and lots of things that are very different. Life has a way of shifting our priorities and the parts of us that show up at any given time. 

   As we give ourselves the grace to grow and change, we might also practice that same grace for our partner(s). Make time to share and connect on a regular basis. Talk about the process of change in your lives, share the difficulties and successes, and encourage each other to explore! Our relationships can be the soft safety net we return to day after day. Allow space for that!

5. HAVE FUN WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOALS!

   Adulthood can be a real pain sometimes. There are bills, responsibilities, and having to do all of the things while also juggling all of the other things. I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly chomping at the bit to spend time with my partner going over our finances. Yes, that stuff is part of life.

   And it’s not all that life is!

   Make joy and fun a priority in your lives together. Leave room to breathe amongst all the responsibility! Let go, be silly, try new things together, bond over shared experiences that show you new sides of one another. Recreate your first date, go on a tried and true outing, or build a pillow fort in the middle of your living room just because you can. We might be grown-ups, but that doesn’t mean we always have to act like it.

RELATIONSHIP GOALS: THE TAKEAWAY

For a whole lot of us, deep and meaningful connections with other humans add to the overall wellness of our lives. When you have realistic relationship goals, you’re much more likely to find real ways to make that stuff happen.

Constantly searching for perfection and comparing our relationships to those of others, means that we often miss out on what’s right in front of us. You get to decide where your relationship bar is and working side by side to reach your relationship goals will make your relationship that much stronger.

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Relationship Goals appeared first on Relationship Insights.

One of the things we often see in our offices are couples and individuals wanting to work on their communication skills. We can easily identify when communicating is a problem in our relationships. However, it’s not always quite so easy to learn and implement the skills that can be really helpful.

WHY ARE LEARNING COMMUNICATION SKILLS HELPFUL?

As humans, we rely on verbal and nonverbal communication to connect with other people. The way we learn how to communicate comes from several different arenas in our lives. And, probably the most impactful are the relationships we learn from at home when we’re little. 

Think of it this way: while you were learning how to speak, you were also learning the rules and norms of the world you’re part of. It varies! We all learn how to do this human stuff differently! This is probably one of the reasons we often find ourselves not quite understanding why the people in our lives would do what they do. 

For example, we might have learned to communicate our needs to someone we love by falling silent, expecting them to dig and do the work to find out what’s needed. Sure, that might eventually get those important needs met. And it might also be really frustrating for everyone involved! If a misunderstanding becomes an argument or fight, see our 10 Rules For Fighting Fair in Relationships. 

Because we learn so much about communication before we can even speak, it makes sense that this is the realm of improvement with which many people identify. The patterns, habits, and beliefs about how we ask for what we need go deep! Switching it up can feel overwhelming, challenging, or hard. It can also be liberating and help us find the deep and meaningful connections we so deserve. To make it easy, here is a list of 10 Rules for Effective Communication:

1. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND
   

   It can be very easy when we’re having conversations with other people to tune out of what they’re saying in order to prepare our response. When we do this, not only are tuning out from the person speaking, we might also miss really important information! Listen to understand what the other person is saying. If you need time to think of a response, wait until they’ve finished speaking and ask for it. Make room for everyone at the table to be heard and understood. Including yourself.

2. EMPATHY, EMPATHY, EMPATHY
   

   Remember that we are all showing up as much as we can in any given situation. Sometimes, we have 100% of ourselves to give. Sometimes we just don’t. Allow space for the people in our lives to be fully human, just as you are. Refrain from offering advice unless asked, don’t belittle or undermine someone’s feelings, and have your solid, firm, and flexible boundaries in place. Learn some more about empathy in this great little video from Brené Brown.

3. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU
   

   You’re responsible for your feelings. When someone says or does something that is hurtful, we might get defensive and blame all of our yucky feelings on them. While some of that might be truthful, it often isn’t. Think of it like this, what another person says might not be the cause of an emotion, but the trigger for one. The event can bring up lots of feelings in the moment that have happened in our lives a long time ago.
   We’re ultimately in the driver’s seat of our life experiences. By owning our part in a conversation, we give space for the other person to do it, too. For example, saying something like, “I think you’re going to leave the first chance you get” might not get the same response from a partner as, “I’m feeling really vulnerable and not worth sticking around for.” It communicates the true emotional response and can help us get those needs met.

4. NOTICE YOUR BODY
   

   A great portion of human communication is non-verbal. We have facial expressions, body postures, and very subtle ways of movement that are constantly communicating with other people.  These things tell everyone around us a lot more about us than we think they do. By being aware of our body, we can avoid accidentally communicating something we don’t mean to.

5. BE SPECIFIC
   

   When we make requests of another person, it’s incredibly helpful to be specific about it. What we mean when we say “I need you to show up for me” might be interpreted differently depending on who we’re talking to. Their definition of showing up might be very, very different from yours. So while they’re busy showing up in all of the ways they know how to, they might not be showing up in the way you need them to. Being specific in our requests means that the other person is far more likely to understand what you’re in need of.

6. CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS
   

   What’s your intention in having a conversation with someone? What are you trying to understand? How are you trying to be understood? What are you looking for? Knowing this stuff can be incredibly helpful! Knowing what your point is can help you stay with it.

7. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE RIGHT
   

   Ya just don’t. Sometimes we’re wrong. Sometimes we’re right and having a conversation with someone who just refuses to see it. We don’t have to circle around aimlessly in a conversation trying to prove how right we are.

8. BE WILLING TO HEAR “NO”
   

   Just as you’re a full, dynamic, complex, and important human being with thoughts, opinions, and feelings, so is everyone else. Be willing to hear the truth. Be willing and open to rejection. If you notice that you become very defensive when someone says “no,” what is that defensiveness trying to say to you?

9. EMBRACE CONFLICT
   

   Conflict happens. Doing all we can to avoid conflict can often lead to some very deep feelings of resentment and feeling unheard or unimportant. We’re far more likely to have a much bigger fight by holding it all in until we bust at the seams. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion, which means there are probably a few primary emotions lurking under the surface. Usually, those primary emotions are related to fear. It isn’t to say that our anger isn’t valid, but perhaps to actually underscore that. Anger has a place. So does conflict. Embracing it as part of how we do stuff means that it doesn’t have to take up quite so much space in your box of fears.

10. SHOW UP
    

    Show up! Show people that you’re listening and tracking what they’re saying. Be present in your conversations as much as you can. Remember that even if we’re feeling at a solid 5/10, showing up fully at that 5 is our 100% for that moment.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION: THE TAKEAWAY

So much of how we communicate with others actually depends on how well we’re managing our own experience. If we get triggered and dysregulated, it can be more difficult to come back to neutral. Practicing using effective strategies for communicating while we’re already neutral can be a really great way to solidify skills. That way, we get good at them before we need to call on them during a more heated conversation. 

As with so many things, have some compassion for your own learning experience. We’re born ready to learn how to communicate and start learning right away. That means some of what we’re working with is as old as we are. It makes sense that we have the same reactions and feelings that we’ve always had. Changing it up doesn’t have to be changing who we are. But rather, it’s an opportunity to decide how we are going to do this life stuff.

You got this. And if you need support, the therapists at Relationship Insights are only an email away!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post 10 Rules for Effective Communication appeared first on Relationship Insights.

Grief is confusingly universal. While we mostly have a shared sense of knowing that life is ephemeral and loved ones won’t be around forever, the actual experience of loss is often deeply and profoundly different for all of us. It, like the way we love and the way we structure our lives, depends on what we’ve learned about loss. Some of us very genuinely learn that the loss of a loved one is something worth celebrating. Others of us learn that life must pause in honor of those who have gone from this worldly plane to the next. And lots of us learn to avoid the depth of feeling that comes with loss entirely.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

SO, WHAT DO WE DO WITH GRIEF?

So, what we do about grief really depends on a whole lot, too. The most important thing we can do for ourselves when we’re grieving is to give ourselves exactly what we need as we process life on the other side of loss. 

When something happens in our lives, people tend to rush in with advice, words meant to be helpful, and casseroles. Some of that might be helpful and lots of it usually isn’t. It can feel a lot like you’re consoling everyone else. We can kind of get our needs and desires a bit lost in the shuffle of everyone else’s grief.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

While it’s absolutely part of the process to show up and help the people in our lives who are also grieving, it’s really important that we check in with ourselves and hone in on what we need. Grief looks different for all of us, so what we need from the world will look different, too. If you need to gather around with loved ones and laugh together while you relive old memories, reach out to those trusted few who you most want to be there and do it. Laugh together. Grief can be as joyful as it is sorrowful. If you need to stay home on the couch completely alone, allow yourself to have that time. 

FEEL THE GRIEF

Feeling the grief is really the only way we can move through it. Putting it away and pretending it isn’t happening gives those feelings and fears permission to fester in our bodies somewhere. Let yourself have those things here and now. Break down into a heap in the shower, sit on your front porch in the pouring rain and let the weight of your wet clothes hold you down, fall into the arms of someone you love, scrub your bathroom floor, go for a really long run and sweat until you’re a puddle. 

Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life. ~ Maria V. Snyder, Storm Glass

What do you need right now? As time goes on, and our grief shifts and changes, the things we need in the midst of it can change, too. Give yourself space and compassion to be how you are. 

EXPRESS YOURSELF

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” ~ William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Grief can be especially hard to navigate because it can make so many of us uncomfortable. It reminds us that we aren’t invincible. We are suddenly forced to reckon with our own mortality and that of those we love most. It’s deep and it’s yucky and it makes sense that we want to get through it and over the pain as soon as humanly possible. Grief can ask our brains to get caught in the trap of questioning reality. Usually, there isn’t an explanation or an answer to the “why?” of loss. It might be helpful to tell the story of your lost loved one or to talk about your grief. You may also not want to talk about it at all. Letting it all build up inside of our brains and bodies can feel really heavy. Get it out somehow. 

Journal, make art, spend time in nature, try something new. Get your brain and body on the same page and let yourself explore your own experience in ways that feel approachable, useful and safe for you. 

TAKE YOUR TIME WITH GRIEF

Time really is the greatest healer. It is also one of the most powerful reminders of what we’ve lost. Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries can come and go with varying levels of remembrance, pain, and celebration. Take your time. There is no end date. You don’t have to hurry through the pain. There is no race, finish line, or goal. This process is yours. Timelines are arbitrary.

GET SUPPORT

Lean into your people. We don’t often choose to experience big life events alone, do we? Giving birth and celebrating birthdays are things we do in the company of other people. Death can be the same thing. Find community in people you already know, find support in groups with people who are experiencing similar pain, and a therapist you can trust to help you process and explore your grief.

REMEMBERING

Remember your loved ones how you want to. Join in the rituals, celebrations, and customs that make sense to you in your life. Engage with the world in the ways it makes sense for you, especially when grief is new or especially raw. Just as there aren’t right ways to live, there also aren’t right (or wrong) ways to grieve. 

GRIEF & WHAT WE CAN DO: THE TAKEAWAY

There is a difference between traumatic and ordinary grief. If grief is overwhelming or feels like it is too much to bear, give yourself grace enough to get the support you need. If you need professional help or assistance at any time, seek it out. Your life is important and you are never truly alone. 

List of community resources for ordinary, ambiguous, and traumatic grief:

https://www.griefloss.org/community-resources.html

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Grief & What We Can Do appeared first on Relationship Insights.

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