Couples fight. It’s normal and real, but it also doesn’t have to be totally awful. In fact, it is important that we hash things out in our relationships. However, Michelle, over at staymarriedblog.com, and I agree. Having some ground rules for keeping fights fair is invaluable. Our fights don’t have to be all-out screaming matches that leave us in heaps of sadness and all of the bruised feels. In fact, it’s possible to leave a conflict feeling heard and validated. Curious? Here are some helpful rules for keeping your fights fair:

1. No name-calling.

First thing’s first, friends. We must be kind to our beloved(s). Name-calling and insulting doesn’t solve problems, it creates them.

2. No interrupting

Keep the dialogue going. When emotional temperatures rise, it can be really hard to get a hold of our tongues. Make sure everyone who is part of the fight has enough time to express themselves clearly.

3. No blaming or accusations.

It’s just not useful, you know? When we blame our partner, we’re really only inviting defensiveness and end up escalating the argument even further. Plus, it takes you farther away from solving the problem and closer to disconnection. Focus instead on what can be done about it.

4. No yelling.

This escalates things further, too. Take a couple of big deep breaths instead of raising the volume. If yelling seems like the only option, see #10.

5. No sarcasm or contempt.

Say what we mean and mean what we say. Sarcasm can be really confusing and totally derail the whole process! In order to have a fruitful conversation, it’s really important to express ourselves as clearly as we can.

6. No defensiveness.

Think “respond not react.” When our partner says something that stings a little bit, we can give ourselves a moment to digest the information. Reacting defensively can make your fight worse and can derail the conversation.

7. No generalizations or global criticism (you always, you never, you’re selfish).

Chances are, our partners aren’t actually “always” doing something and “never” doing something else. Stay in the present moment. What is this fight about? How does this feel right now?

8. No physical/emotional intimidating gestures/violence/threats.

Use of or threatening to use force of any kind is straight up unacceptable. Don’t do it, and don’t tolerate it.

9. No walking out without naming a follow-up time.

We all fight differently. Some of us prefer to leave the room when things get heated. That is totally okay! But letting fights just hang out in the air like that can feel really crappy later. Make sure to agree on a time in the near future to follow up, within 24 hours is best.

10. Use of, and respect for, the Time Out.

If it all feels like too much, it’s time for a Time Out. Fights can and do get really heated all the time. If we find ourselves violating the rules above (or really, really wanting to). Call a Time Out and take a 30-minute breather. Big emotions can have big physiological impacts on our bodies. Giving ourselves some time to cool off and collect our thoughts means that we can come back to the conversation and actually get somewhere.

Perhaps some of these rules don’t feel like they fit. That’s okay! Part of the fun of having our very own relationships is that we get to make the rules as we go. Make dinner together, grab some pens, and create a list of fair fighting rules that fit your relationship. Feel stuck? Feel free to use the list above for ideas, and remember that a therapist can help you prioritize your relationship and build the life you want, together.

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Active listening is such a potent force in relationships! It fosters understanding, trust, and intimacy with the people that we care about. So, we want to offer up the following skills to help you be a more active and truly present listening partner.

It’s soooooooo easy to be preoccupied and impatient in life, we often have so much on our minds. We often miss opportunities to turning towards our loved ones. It can be challenging to give them our undivided attention and presence when they are talking to us.

ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

1. Be Present

Active listening skills require being present! Make eye contact, put down your phone and turn off notifications. Turn toward the person physically. All of these things go a long way toward helping someone feel tuned into!

2. Minimal encouragers

Use brief, positive prompts to keep the conversation going and show you are listening – for example, “umm-hmmm,” “Oh?” “I understand,” “Then?” “And?”

3. Probing

Ask questions aimed at getting more details like “Who, what, where, and which … ?” As well as, asking questions to draw the person out and get more meaningful information – for example, “What did you do then or how was that for you …?”

4. Warm Up Your Tone of Voice

Your tone of voice can convey a wealth of information, ranging from enthusiasm to disinterest to anger. Start noticing how your tone of voice affects how others respond to you and try making it warmer or softer. For example, show interest in something by expressing your enthusiasm by using an animated tone of voice.

5.Validation

Acknowledge the individual’s problems, issues, and feelings. Listen openly and with empathy, and respond in an interested way – for example, “You seem really sad (frustrated, lonely, angry, etc) about this situation . . .” or “What else is bothering you about that? …”

6. Restating

To show you are listening, repeat every so often what you think the person said – not by parroting, but by paraphrasing what you heard in your own words. For example, “So, you ….” or, “Let’s see if I’m clear about this …”

7. Reflecting

Instead of just repeating, reflect the speaker’s words in terms of feelings – for example, “This seems really important to you. . . Or you seem really frustrated …”

8. Giving feedback

If the person asks for feedback, let them know what your initial thoughts are on the situation. Share pertinent information, observations, insights, and experiences. Don’t fix! Then listen carefully to confirm. And be sure to ask, “would you like my feedback?” No one likes unsolicited advice, especially when they are just wanting to vent or verbally process and aren’t wanting a solution yet.

9. Emotion Labeling

Putting feelings into words will often help a person to see things more objectively. To help the person begin, use “door openers” — for example, “I’m sensing that you’re feeling frustrated. . . worried. . . anxious. . .” 

10. Summarizing

Bring together the facts and pieces of the problem to check understanding – for example, “So it sounds to me as if . . .” Or, “Is that it?”

11. Effective Pause

Deliberately pause at key points for emphasis. This will tell the person you are saying something that is very important to them. 

12. Silence

Allow for comfortable silences to slow down the exchange. Give a person time to think as well as talk. Silence can also be very helpful in diffusing an unproductive interaction.

13. “I” messages

By using “I” in your statements, you focus on the problem not the person. An “I” message lets the person know what you feel and why – for example, “I feel sad when things don’t go well at work …”

14. Redirecting

If someone is showing signs of being overly aggressive, agitated, or angry, this is the time to shift the discussion to another topic or ask for a time out from the conversation. Boundaries to protect yourself are important for all of us. We can be there for people as long as they are respectful to us, even when practicing active listening.

ACTIVE LISTENING: THE TAKEAWAY

Active listening is a superpower in relationships. It deepens connections, resolves conflicts, enhances intimacy, and fosters personal growth. As therapists, we’ve harnessed this power to help countless individuals and couples build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. It’s a skill that not only transforms relationships but also enriches lives, one empathetic ear at a time. And, we are so happy to ce sharing what we’ve learned with you in this blog post.

Stay tuned, our next post will talk about communication blockers and the art of questioning!¹

Relationship Insights is all about improving your relationship to others as well as to yourself! If you need a support or guidance about how to do that, the therapists at Relationship Insights are only an email or 30 minute free consultation away!

The post 14 Tips for Active Listening appeared first on Relationship Insights.

Ah, the holidays are coming to an end and a new year is approaching. The gifts have been given, the travels have been traveled, the weird distant cousins have all gone home, and now we can kick our feet back and start making miles long lists of all of the shit we want to change about ourselves. Sweet, sweet… relief?

I don’t know about you, but I always feel a metric ton of pressure around New Years’. Not only are we reflecting back on the year behind us, but we are also planning for the one ahead (even resolutions backed by science; no pressure, right? and this article is really interesting!). 

While foresight and setting goals is a fabulous way to begin a new year, there might be a few things we want to keep in mind:

1. COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY

   There is something really magical about the motivation we feel at the beginning of things. It can be relatively easy to decide we’re going to quadruple our gym efforts and nail it for a few weeks. The issue that many of us run into is that our goals and resolutions aren’t actually all that realistic. We start to lose steam when we don’t keep ourselves in mind while we’re excitedly setting those goals.

   It’s a great goal to want to spend more time in the gym, but if you’re currently not spending any at all, it might be a bit overwhelming to start suddenly going every single day. You’re far more likely to burn out and stop going altogether. Set yourself up for success and keep your resolutions reachable!

2. YOU ARE PART OF THIS
   

   Many of us are taught that once we’re in a relationship, that’s all we need to focus on. If we focus on building our relationships with other people, and leave out our relationship with ourselves, chances are we might find it more and more challenging to show up!

   Make time for yourself. Prioritize your health and wellness. It is so much easier to walk into our relationships with others when we’re well taken care of. Start noticing what you need to thrive and allow yourself to have those things. We can only show up at 100% when we have 100% to give. If we’re constantly running on empty, our relationships are bound to be impacted.
   

3. COMMUNICATE!
   

   Communication in relationships is of the utmost importance. Though we all tend to understand that on a cognitive level, it can be challenging to follow through.

   Effectively communicating our needs to our partner(s) requires vulnerability both with ourselves and the other people involved. For more on this, you can read 10 Rules for Effective Communication here! Part of this, too, is learning how to fight effectively! More on that right here!
   

4. GROW TOGETHER
   

   Think of who you were 10 years ago. Chances are, there are lots of things that are the same and lots of things that are very different. Life has a way of shifting our priorities and the parts of us that show up at any given time. 

   As we give ourselves the grace to grow and change, we might also practice that same grace for our partner(s). Make time to share and connect on a regular basis. Talk about the process of change in your lives, share the difficulties and successes, and encourage each other to explore! Our relationships can be the soft safety net we return to day after day. Allow space for that!

5. HAVE FUN WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOALS!

   Adulthood can be a real pain sometimes. There are bills, responsibilities, and having to do all of the things while also juggling all of the other things. I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly chomping at the bit to spend time with my partner going over our finances. Yes, that stuff is part of life.

   And it’s not all that life is!

   Make joy and fun a priority in your lives together. Leave room to breathe amongst all the responsibility! Let go, be silly, try new things together, bond over shared experiences that show you new sides of one another. Recreate your first date, go on a tried and true outing, or build a pillow fort in the middle of your living room just because you can. We might be grown-ups, but that doesn’t mean we always have to act like it.

RELATIONSHIP GOALS: THE TAKEAWAY

For a whole lot of us, deep and meaningful connections with other humans add to the overall wellness of our lives. When you have realistic relationship goals, you’re much more likely to find real ways to make that stuff happen.

Constantly searching for perfection and comparing our relationships to those of others, means that we often miss out on what’s right in front of us. You get to decide where your relationship bar is and working side by side to reach your relationship goals will make your relationship that much stronger.

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Relationship Goals appeared first on Relationship Insights.

You might’ve heard the word ‘attachment’ floating around the interwebs in the last few years. Attachment theory has everything to do with how we bond with the super important people in our most valued relationships. Think partners, close friends, and family. Attachment is a sense of security in ourselves, in others, and in the world around us. And like so many things that we learn in our families of origin, we also learn about security and attachment from our caregivers.

Attachment theory teaches us that security that we learned through attachment is incredibly important because of how it affects our ability to have healthy relationships. And, healthy relationships are kind of the keys to the queendom! Happy and healthy relationships give our lives meaning and help us feel connected and rooted in the world! So, yeah, kind of major stuff to know about! Let’s take a minute to break it down… 

WHAT IS ATTACHMENT?

A person’s attachment status is a fundamental determinant of their relationships, and this is reflected in the way they feel about themselves, and others.” ~ Jeremy Holmes, John Bowlby and Attachment Theory

We can thank psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby for being the MVPs of the field known as attachment. Ainsworth and Bowlby did the research that led to what we now know about attachment styles – more on that soon. That is to say, the way we attach, why we attach, and why it all matters in the first place. 

Attachment Theory explains how we develop bonds with significant others so that we may meet emotional needs. As babies, our lives literally depend on our caregivers to take care of our needs. These needs include physical needs like food, warmth, protection and also, YES, emotional needs. So, things like nervous system regulation, affection, comforting and soothing. 

MOSTLY CONSISTENT & DEPENDABLE CARE

When these physical and emotional needs are met in a mostly dependable and consistent way by a primary caregiver, we develop what’s called a Secure Attachment style. (The emphasis is on the word mostly, because humans aren’t perfect and neither are caregivers!) Caregivers supply a secure base, or dependable availability, to the child. This secure base allows the child to move away to explore the world and then be in close proximity for safety if there is fear or danger. Pretty cool, right?

John Bowlby described attachment as “the lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.” If you read our blog post on stress, you might remember that the connections we make to other people are absolutely vital to our survival. Think about a newborn baby. That freshly baked kid needs another human to care for their basic needs. 

WHY DOES IT MATTER?

It matters because we learn what to expect from the important people in our lives, starting the moment we’re born. Say that our parents can’t (or won’t) consistently and reliably be there for us. What we then learn is that the things we need aren’t reliable.

We are also meaning-making creatures. So, the stories we write about our lives tell us what to believe about needing other people, as well as having needs in general. When our parents don’t reliably provide the basics and consistently tune in to our needs, it sends a message. And, that message might unconsciously register as “we don’t deserve to be cared for.” That is what follows us as we grow up and have adult relationships. 

For example, let’s say that your partner forgets to follow through on a small promise they made. This might not seem like much. But, it may feel very much like the despair you experienced when you were accidentally left alone in your crib for too long and were really scared.

Makes sense, yes?

NEUROBIOLOGICALLY WIRED FOR ATTACHMENT

This stuff is really important, y’all. As primates, we are neurobiologically wired to form connections with others. Thinkaboutit! Our instinct to connect with others can override our instinct, ability, or desire to feed ourselves or sleep! That’s serious business!

Our attachment style forms the patterns of behavior we might see in our lives. In general, there are four attachment patterns or styles that most of us will fit into. They are Secure, Ambivalent/Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized.

SECURE ATTACHMENT

In early childhood, a securely attached kiddo might react with a fair amount of distress when separated from a caregiver and joy when the caregiver returns. When scared, a securely attached child will seek out the comfort and safety of a trusted caregiver. They know where safety is and how to get to it! 

A securely attached grown-up acts in a very similar way. They tend to be generally comfortable expressing their needs and desires, comfortable being close, and comfortable being farther away. In essence, they react relatively appropriately to stressors out of their control. They’re more likely to find healthy and productive ways to manage the stress of day-to-day life. They can easily identify where safety is and the most effective ways to find safety should it be necessary. 

AMBIVALENT/ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT

A kid who has an Ambivalent or Anxious Attachment style tends to have really, really big reactions to a parent leaving the room. We usually see this when caregivers themselves have really inconsistent emotional reactions to the child or aren’t consistent in their care. In short, the kiddo doesn’t really know what to expect from the person responsible for keeping them safe, so they learn to take all they can while they have the ability to. They might get really, really worried when a parent leaves and spend a lot of their time concerned that mom or dad might not come back. 

Adults with Ambivalent or Anxious attachment might behave very similarly. Folks who might experience this attachment pattern might be overly dependent on a romantic partner for comfort or safety. They might make disproportionate bids for affection. Or consistently experience a great deal of anxiety when their partner is unreachable or quiet. They tend to have a sense of distrust in the people on whom they rely for safety. And, they might find it really uncomfortable to communicate their needs and desires without getting distressed.

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

For a little who has an Avoidant Attachment style, they are going to do all they can to rely on themselves instead of their caregivers. In fact, they might not even notice or care whether a primary caregiver is in the room or not. Behaviors that look a lot like they are avoiding safety might actually be their brain’s way of avoiding harm.

Adults who have Avoidant Attachment patterns might be really emotionally distant or become cold when experiencing stress, will avoid situations that might trigger emotional responses, display a distance from their own emotional needs, or not even recognize that they have emotional needs at all. They might also have disproportionate emotional reactions to events that might otherwise be seen as ‘good’ by others. Like a tendency to self-sabotage when things are going really, really well. They might also experience an intense need for control in their lives and feel deeply uncomfortable or even unsafe when they cannot access a sense of control. 

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT

This one works exactly like it sounds like it does. A kiddo with a Disorganized Attachment style is kind of all over the place. They don’t tend to have consistent or predictable reactions to a parent leaving or entering a room. It kind of depends. This kind of behavior is very common in kiddos who have experienced abuse. The source of safety is also the cause of harm, and there are competing instincts of moving towards and moving away. Kids might seem disoriented or confused when a caregiver leaves, or may even resist the caregiver altogether. 

For adults who have Disorganized Attachment patterns, they might find it difficult to relate socially or emotionally co-regulate with others. Reactions to stressors that are disproportionate and unpredictable. It can be difficult to trust other people and even difficult to understand their own emotional responses. They just know it’s more comfortable to back away from emotional connection or closeness.

CAN ATTACHMENT STYLE BE CHANGED?

The good news is that romantic partnerships seem to be a well-suited environment to shift our attachment styles more toward the secure. Consistent responsiveness can help rewire our brains! And couples therapy helps enormously. Being able to effectively communicate our needs to our partners can make a huge difference. It improves our chances of connecting and feeling secure in our significant other relationship. And, that’s what attachment is all about. 

SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

If you’re one of the 50% of Americans who developed a secure attachment to your caregiver, this doesn’t mean that your relationships are perfect. Similarly, having an insecure attachment style doesn’t mean that you’re impossible to “deal with.” Our attachment styles and behavior patterns can, and do, impact how we do what we do every day. However, we aren’t beholden to a list of behaviors based on how we attached to our parents. Here’s what you can do:

KNOW YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

The first step in improving our relationships is being aware of the patterns we already have! Knowing our attachment style doesn’t mean we can’t change them and it doesn’t justify unhelpful or abusive behaviors. More deeply understanding ourselves means we can more easily choose to walk into our lives in the ways we really want to. And, more deeply understanding our partners means we can more easily find empathy and a sense of deep compassion when they react in ways we don’t like. It’s like developing a relationship superpower!

CHANGE YOUR RESPONSES

Changing the way you respond in your relationships begins to unwind unhelpful attachment dynamics. If you have an Anxious Attachment style, you can move away from pursuing your partner and let them have a little room to breathe. If you have an Avoidant Attachment style you can get better at moving closer to your partner which will feel reassuring to them. This kind of practice can profoundly change things for the better insignificant other relationships.

KNOW THAT STRESS IS A TRIGGER

When people are stressed or in conflict, attachment wounds get triggered. Again, knowledge is power here. A little preventative planning can really help. Know that you get on each other’s nerves when getting ready to go out? Slow down and remind yourself to be patient and don’t take it personally. Use a distraction technique, or try giving the person the benefit of the doubt. These things can go a long way!

2 STEPS FORWARD 1 & 1/2 STEPS BACK

These things take time. If something is wired into us, it’s going to take some practice and patience to get better at it!  Learning new things is hard, so be gentle with yourselves. Try to remember that we are on the same team.

Take this attachment style quiz by attachment specialist Diane Poole Heller, and see what attachment style is most reflected in your relationships and behaviors. Remember, knowledge is power!

IT’S COMPLEX

Attachment and safety are full-body things. They’re dependent on previously learned attachment styles as well as neurological wiring. And, to make things even more challenging, attachment is also dependent on our socio-economic status, race, gender, biological sex, religious beliefs, country- or region-of-origin. And, so many more things. Including all of those things from our parents! And our parents’ parents! And so on, and so on, and so on. 

Attachment is one of those very complex life things that can feel tricky and simple all at the same time. And it impacts us in ways that we might not expect it to. We might avoid our inbox because responsibilities feel heavy like they did when we were little or get so preoccupied with making a presentation perfect that we forget to eat lunch. All of that is connected to what we learned to believe about ourselves and the world. And all of that is what we learned when we were the soft, squishy, and bright-eyed little kids who couldn’t stop asking questions. 

ATTACHMENT: THE TAKEAWAY

Working through and with our attachment style is a journey that has ups, downs, setbacks, and triumphs. So we thought we’d offer up some great books for the ride:

• The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships, by Diane Poole Heller
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love, by Levine & Heller
• Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can do About It, by Becker-Phelps
• Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build and Build a Secure Relationship, by Stan Tatkin

Also, the therapists at Relationship Insights would be honored to stand alongside you through this journey of self-exploration and change. So, get curious and keep asking questions! Reach out to get started today.

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

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