Active listening is such a potent force in relationships! It fosters understanding, trust, and intimacy with the people that we care about. So, we want to offer up the following skills to help you be a more active and truly present listening partner.

It’s soooooooo easy to be preoccupied and impatient in life, we often have so much on our minds. We often miss opportunities to turning towards our loved ones. It can be challenging to give them our undivided attention and presence when they are talking to us.

ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

1. Be Present

Active listening skills require being present! Make eye contact, put down your phone and turn off notifications. Turn toward the person physically. All of these things go a long way toward helping someone feel tuned into!

2. Minimal encouragers

Use brief, positive prompts to keep the conversation going and show you are listening – for example, “umm-hmmm,” “Oh?” “I understand,” “Then?” “And?”

3. Probing

Ask questions aimed at getting more details like “Who, what, where, and which … ?” As well as, asking questions to draw the person out and get more meaningful information – for example, “What did you do then or how was that for you …?”

4. Warm Up Your Tone of Voice

Your tone of voice can convey a wealth of information, ranging from enthusiasm to disinterest to anger. Start noticing how your tone of voice affects how others respond to you and try making it warmer or softer. For example, show interest in something by expressing your enthusiasm by using an animated tone of voice.

5.Validation

Acknowledge the individual’s problems, issues, and feelings. Listen openly and with empathy, and respond in an interested way – for example, “You seem really sad (frustrated, lonely, angry, etc) about this situation . . .” or “What else is bothering you about that? …”

6. Restating

To show you are listening, repeat every so often what you think the person said – not by parroting, but by paraphrasing what you heard in your own words. For example, “So, you ….” or, “Let’s see if I’m clear about this …”

7. Reflecting

Instead of just repeating, reflect the speaker’s words in terms of feelings – for example, “This seems really important to you. . . Or you seem really frustrated …”

8. Giving feedback

If the person asks for feedback, let them know what your initial thoughts are on the situation. Share pertinent information, observations, insights, and experiences. Don’t fix! Then listen carefully to confirm. And be sure to ask, “would you like my feedback?” No one likes unsolicited advice, especially when they are just wanting to vent or verbally process and aren’t wanting a solution yet.

9. Emotion Labeling

Putting feelings into words will often help a person to see things more objectively. To help the person begin, use “door openers” — for example, “I’m sensing that you’re feeling frustrated. . . worried. . . anxious. . .” 

10. Summarizing

Bring together the facts and pieces of the problem to check understanding – for example, “So it sounds to me as if . . .” Or, “Is that it?”

11. Effective Pause

Deliberately pause at key points for emphasis. This will tell the person you are saying something that is very important to them. 

12. Silence

Allow for comfortable silences to slow down the exchange. Give a person time to think as well as talk. Silence can also be very helpful in diffusing an unproductive interaction.

13. “I” messages

By using “I” in your statements, you focus on the problem not the person. An “I” message lets the person know what you feel and why – for example, “I feel sad when things don’t go well at work …”

14. Redirecting

If someone is showing signs of being overly aggressive, agitated, or angry, this is the time to shift the discussion to another topic or ask for a time out from the conversation. Boundaries to protect yourself are important for all of us. We can be there for people as long as they are respectful to us, even when practicing active listening.

ACTIVE LISTENING: THE TAKEAWAY

Active listening is a superpower in relationships. It deepens connections, resolves conflicts, enhances intimacy, and fosters personal growth. As therapists, we’ve harnessed this power to help countless individuals and couples build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. It’s a skill that not only transforms relationships but also enriches lives, one empathetic ear at a time. And, we are so happy to ce sharing what we’ve learned with you in this blog post.

Stay tuned, our next post will talk about communication blockers and the art of questioning!¹

Relationship Insights is all about improving your relationship to others as well as to yourself! If you need a support or guidance about how to do that, the therapists at Relationship Insights are only an email or 30 minute free consultation away!

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Ah, the holidays are coming to an end and a new year is approaching. The gifts have been given, the travels have been traveled, the weird distant cousins have all gone home, and now we can kick our feet back and start making miles long lists of all of the shit we want to change about ourselves. Sweet, sweet… relief?

I don’t know about you, but I always feel a metric ton of pressure around New Years’. Not only are we reflecting back on the year behind us, but we are also planning for the one ahead (even resolutions backed by science; no pressure, right? and this article is really interesting!). 

While foresight and setting goals is a fabulous way to begin a new year, there might be a few things we want to keep in mind:

1. COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY

   There is something really magical about the motivation we feel at the beginning of things. It can be relatively easy to decide we’re going to quadruple our gym efforts and nail it for a few weeks. The issue that many of us run into is that our goals and resolutions aren’t actually all that realistic. We start to lose steam when we don’t keep ourselves in mind while we’re excitedly setting those goals.

   It’s a great goal to want to spend more time in the gym, but if you’re currently not spending any at all, it might be a bit overwhelming to start suddenly going every single day. You’re far more likely to burn out and stop going altogether. Set yourself up for success and keep your resolutions reachable!

2. YOU ARE PART OF THIS
   

   Many of us are taught that once we’re in a relationship, that’s all we need to focus on. If we focus on building our relationships with other people, and leave out our relationship with ourselves, chances are we might find it more and more challenging to show up!

   Make time for yourself. Prioritize your health and wellness. It is so much easier to walk into our relationships with others when we’re well taken care of. Start noticing what you need to thrive and allow yourself to have those things. We can only show up at 100% when we have 100% to give. If we’re constantly running on empty, our relationships are bound to be impacted.
   

3. COMMUNICATE!
   

   Communication in relationships is of the utmost importance. Though we all tend to understand that on a cognitive level, it can be challenging to follow through.

   Effectively communicating our needs to our partner(s) requires vulnerability both with ourselves and the other people involved. For more on this, you can read 10 Rules for Effective Communication here! Part of this, too, is learning how to fight effectively! More on that right here!
   

4. GROW TOGETHER
   

   Think of who you were 10 years ago. Chances are, there are lots of things that are the same and lots of things that are very different. Life has a way of shifting our priorities and the parts of us that show up at any given time. 

   As we give ourselves the grace to grow and change, we might also practice that same grace for our partner(s). Make time to share and connect on a regular basis. Talk about the process of change in your lives, share the difficulties and successes, and encourage each other to explore! Our relationships can be the soft safety net we return to day after day. Allow space for that!

5. HAVE FUN WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOALS!

   Adulthood can be a real pain sometimes. There are bills, responsibilities, and having to do all of the things while also juggling all of the other things. I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly chomping at the bit to spend time with my partner going over our finances. Yes, that stuff is part of life.

   And it’s not all that life is!

   Make joy and fun a priority in your lives together. Leave room to breathe amongst all the responsibility! Let go, be silly, try new things together, bond over shared experiences that show you new sides of one another. Recreate your first date, go on a tried and true outing, or build a pillow fort in the middle of your living room just because you can. We might be grown-ups, but that doesn’t mean we always have to act like it.

RELATIONSHIP GOALS: THE TAKEAWAY

For a whole lot of us, deep and meaningful connections with other humans add to the overall wellness of our lives. When you have realistic relationship goals, you’re much more likely to find real ways to make that stuff happen.

Constantly searching for perfection and comparing our relationships to those of others, means that we often miss out on what’s right in front of us. You get to decide where your relationship bar is and working side by side to reach your relationship goals will make your relationship that much stronger.

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

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