Are there different kinds of therapist licensure? Yes!  As we’re scrolling through therapy profiles, we might see lots of different letters and terms that are mostly meaningless to us. Should I care whether my therapist is some iteration of MFT? Or LICSW? Well, lucky for you, we are here to shed some light on the topic. Without knowing what so many terms and phrases mean, it can be more challenging to find the right therapist for you.

So, let’s break it down, shall we?

INITIAL IMPRESSIONS

After a clinician’s name, we might see a string of initials, or credentials. These initials indicate which licensing board the person relies on for ethical and legal guidelines. They also tell us a bit of information about the education and training a person has completed. Every licensure and school of thought has a slightly different approach to how they approach change. For example, LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists) approach changes from a wide-angle. Schools that train them tend to focus on a systemic lens. That is, we look at the broad context of the lives of our clients. Other approaches might vary somewhat. No matter the credential, therapists across the board answer to licensure boards, laws, and ethical guidelines to ensure that clients are kept safe and their information private. 

LMFT: LICENSED MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists get training to approach therapy from a systemic or contextual lens These folks have specialized training in working within a family system. LMFTs are trained to approach an individual’s change by addressing the systemic issues within a family, social group, or beyond. Under this umbrella, you may also see LAMFT (Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist) or MA (Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy). These indicate where the clinician is in the therapist licensure process. 

LICSW: LICENSED INDEPENDENT CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER

Similarly, social workers tend to approach change from a systemic perspective. Social workers consider where a client comes from and how the world helped to shape them. That being said, LICSWs are trained to treat clients from an individual perspective, meaning that social workers consider an individual’s social development from an inside out point of view. You might see variations on those initials. For example, you may also see LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) or LGSW (Licensed Graduate Social Worker). 

LP: LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST

A Licensed Psychologist usually has completed a Ph.D. in psychology. Meaning, that while they can and do provide therapy services, they often are also able to do additional psychological testing and more in-depth diagnostic services. 

LPCC: LICENSED PROFESSIONAL CLINICAL COUNSELOR

You may also see LPC or Licensed Professional Counselor under this umbrella of terms. LPCs and LPCCs also received training to approach therapy from an individual perspective. This perspective doesn’t mean that these folks don’t consider the socio-cultural context of their clients. It mostly means their focus stays on the individual and their behavior. 

LADC: LICENSED ALCOHOL AND DRUG COUNSELOR

Licensed Alchohol and Drug Counselors work exclusively with folks at various stages of addiction recovery. LADCs are specially trained to work with issues of substance and behavioral addiction. You may even see therapists and counselors who have LADC plus something else. This means they’re dually licensed–or working toward that goal!

PsyD: DOCTOR OF PSYCHOLOGY

Whereas a Licensed Psychologist (LP) tends to have a Ph.D. in psychology with a clinical focus, a clinician with a PsyD has a doctorate in clinical psychology. What this means is that a PsyD is a practical application of psychological research. Folks in Ph.D. programs tend to do a lot of research into how things work for the human psyche. People in PsyD programs focus on how best to use all of that information to make a clinical impact. 

PSYCHIATRIST

A psychiatrist usually doesn’t do much in the form of therapy but can often be an integral part of the treatment team, should they be needed. Psychiatrists are MDs (Medical Doctors) whose job is to prescribe and manage medications for the treatment of mental health concerns. 

MA/MS

This stands for Master of Arts and Master of Science, respectively. These initials mean that someone has graduated from a Master’s program in their designated field. For example, a therapist can have an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy and be in the process of getting the requirements for further licensing. Therapists with an MA or MS following their names will have a supervisor or two and have a lot of guidance from licensed therapists. 

INTERN

An intern is a student in a Master of Arts or Master of Science degree in a particular field of study. An internship, or Practicum, can be a few months long or over a year, depending on the degree a student is seeking. During an internship, the therapist will have at least two supervisors and lots of very experienced licensed professionals on their team. 

THERAPY 101 LICENSURE AND LETTERS: THE TAKEAWAY

Though the task of finding a therapist can feel overwhelming, most often, the license or type of therapy might not matter all that much. Folks of all licensures and training are all trained to help you work toward whatever mental wellness goals you have. More important than how your therapist got there is how you feel about the connection you have with them. The relationship built in the therapy room is arguably an essential part of the process.

Whatever the license type, you are hiring a professional who has guidelines, laws, and ethics to abide by and should at all times. These rules are more than professional courtesies. You, as the client, have rights and responsibilities in the process, too. You can find a link to Relationship Insight’s Client Rights and Responsibilities form here.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are many more licenses and methodologies for doing therapy. Like every client, every therapist is different! As a client, the best practice is to ask questions! More likely than anything, the title your therapist has isn’t the important part. The important part is whether or not you feel comfortable, safe, and a connection with your therapist. 

As always, the incredible therapists at Relationship Insights are here for you. Maybe you’ve never been to therapy before, or have previously had bad experiences with therapists. Perhaps you are an old seasoned pro, or somewhere in between. No matter where you are on the spectrum, we have space, time, and a lot of great stuff to share with you!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Therapy 101: Therapist Licensure And Letters appeared first on Relationship Insights.

There are a lot of very common misconceptions about going to therapy that keep people from seeking out the help they want or need. Many of these myths point to pervasive socio-cultural stigmas about needing help, mental illness, and the role of the therapist in our lives.

From popular media depictions of therapists (looking at you, Dr. Phil) to strong beliefs about mental illnesses, many of the myths that lots of us opt into aren’t quite as accurate as we think. And many of them are just plain wrong.

Let’s take a look at some of the most common myths that get in the way of folks getting the very helpful and life enhancing support they deserve:

THERAPY IS FOR “CRAZY” PEOPLE

First, let’s address this word, “crazy.” It isn’t helpful! While some people do indeed experience the world from a lens of diagnosable mental illnesses, the belief that these folks are simply “crazy” is harmful and inaccurate. In order to break down the very powerful social stigma around mental illness, the language we use is really important. There isn’t anything wrong with having been diagnosed with a mental illness. It is not a character assessment, but rather, a way to sum up a specific set of symptoms that impact someone’s life. 

It is true that people who have been diagnosed with mental illnesses utilize therapy as a form of treatment and symptom management. But therapy is also for everyone who identifies parts of themselves or their lives that feel sticky, challenging, or needing to be changed somehow. Every therapist approaches this differently, so don’t be afraid to ask questions. 

THERAPY LASTS FOREVER

Nope! I mean, it totally can, and some folks find regular visits to their therapist to be part of their total approach to wellness. However, if you’re seeking therapy to change or process something, lots of different approaches to therapy have different time frames. It lasts as long as you need it to.

For some therapeutic approaches, the timeline can be quite short! For example, Solution Focused Therapy is designed to be brief and straight to the point. Other approaches have different methods and lengths of time. It all really depends on you, your therapist, and the reasons you’re seeking out the help of a therapist.

THERAPISTS WILL SHAME AND CONFRONT YOU

If they do, leave. Ask for referrals and find a new therapist. Every legitimate therapist is under a legal and ethical obligation to serve your best interests, not their own. Trust your instincts on this, too. If that therapist doesn’t feel like a person who can hold safe space for you, you get to find someone who can.

Your therapist might offer challenges to patterns of thought or behavior, but that should never reach the level of shaming or making you feel inferior. 

THERAPY IS ONLY FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE

Well, yes and no. It is true that many therapists operate from strengths-based perspectives. What that often means is that your therapist is helping you to identify all of the stuff you do really well so that you can learn to navigate the world with your strengths, rather than from a place of shame or fear.

What that doesn’t mean is that every conversation needs to be about finding the silver lining. The most skilled therapists will meet you where you are and make space for every aspect of your experience; the good, the bad, the hard, and the ugly. There are lots of different ways therapists do this! More on that in a future installment of Therapy 101. 

THERAPY TURNS YOU INTO SOMEONE ELSE

In many ways, a goal of therapy can be to find you in a world that is constantly pulling us in so many directions. A world that is demanding our attention far, far away from ourselves and our needs. Therapy can be a place where you find yourself. A place where you can learn about your needs and learn how to communicate your needs.

If anything, therapy is there to help you become even more you. 

GOING TO THERAPY IS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS

Some of the work that is done in the therapy room asks us to find our remarkable strengths. Therapy can be good, hard work. You will be confronting old and unhelpful patterns, working through traumas, and learning how to communicate in relationships with others. And, sometimes, really tough stuff comes up, like learning ways to forgive and trust a partner after infidelity.

Many of us have been taught to believe that talking about our feelings (or even having them at all) is a sign of weakness. But, digging down deep into vulnerable spaces takes courage. Being radically honest and appreciative of ourselves and our stories is an incredible example of strength. 

THERAPY 101 MYTH-BUSTING: THE TAKEAWAY

These are only a small selection of the plethora of unhelpful beliefs many of us share about therapy. In some ways, these beliefs touch on how we feel about being helped. Lots of us aren’t taught how to ask for help, or identify when we might need it. It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to need help. Yes, it’s okay to want to change something in your life and not know-how. We are human in all of the ways that humanness can be. 

As always, the incredible therapists at Relationship Insights are here for you. Maybe you’ve never been to therapy before, or have previously had bad experiences with therapists. Perhaps you are an old seasoned pro, or somewhere in between. No matter where you are on the spectrum, we have space, time, and a lot of great stuff to share with you!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Therapy 101: Myth Busting appeared first on Relationship Insights.

If you’ve never been to therapy before, or have had particularly crappy experiences with choosing a therapist, the process can feel ridiculously daunting. Not only are you perhaps trying to navigate through the stigma of seeking out therapy in the first place, but also there are a lot of terms and things to know that we often don’t talk about. 

Therapy 101 will be your comprehensive guide to all things therapy!

First thing’s first …

CHOOSING A THERAPIST THAT IS THE RIGHT FIT FOR YOU

Keep in mind that therapists are humans! And just like any random human you might interact with, not every therapist’s style or personality are the right fit for everyone. It can feel pretty overwhelming to dive headfirst into a search for a professional when you aren’t quite sure what you’re doing. Fear not, your handy dandy therapist-next-door is here to help!

MONEY, HONEY

We’re gonna get this one upfront and center because it’s a huge part of the consideration! It’s also a sticky spot for lots of us. Particularly right now, having conversations about finances can feel, well, yucky. It’s also part of the exchange. What’s your budget?! How much money can you realistically utilize to pay for therapy? There is a really big range of price points for seeking out services.

For interns and newly graduated professionals, you can expect to pay a lower rate than for fully licensed and very experienced clinicians. Many skilled therapists choose not to work with health insurance companies due to paperwork and low reimbursements. That being said, if an out of pocket expense of $60-$150 per session isn’t in your budget, your health insurance company will have a list of folks who operate within your insurance network. There may also be sliding scale fees or other options available for any therapist you find! It never hurts to send them a quick email and ask. Check out our rates to get a sense of what it might look like.

SHOP AROUND

Looking at profiles of therapists can feel an awful like dating. Remember something: you are paying for a professional service. You can expect to be treated with dignity, respect, and having your boundaries honored always. This isn’t a decision you have to take lightly. You get to ask lots of questions! Many therapists offer free or low-cost consultations that are built for this very thing.

If something is pertinent to your life, it’s fair to ask someone how they work with that. What kind of training does this particular person have? Does their profile say something that feels good to you? Anything in particular that you are curious about? Therapy is for and about you. What do you feel like you need? Reach out to lots of folks! Set up consultations or intake sessions with a few different therapists. Try them all on for size and see who you feel the most comfortable with. 

CONSIDER SPECIALTIES

At the bottom of every profile for every therapist ever, there is probably a relatively long list of specialties and special interests that the therapist has. Check those out! If you’re looking for an LGBTQ+ identified or allied therapist, that therapist will have made it very clear that they are who you’re looking for. Same goes for BIPOC therapists and those who are culturally competent in ways that are relevant to your life. What specialties or special interests does a particular therapist have that stand out to you? This is a great way to begin to make sure that someone is more likely going to be a good fit for you.

Additionally, you might see words like Narrative Therapy, Existential Therapy, CBT, DBT, Gestalt Psychology, or, like, honestly a thousand others. This usually identifies a therapist’s preferred theoretical orientation. Each of these brands of therapy have different ways of thinking and different ways to treat similar issues or problems. If you want to know more about what a particular therapeutic orientation means, don’t be afraid to ask! And stay tuned for a closer look at some of these in future installments of Therapy 101!

WHAT DO THERAPIST TITLES MEAN?

It may feel strange to some to see the title Marriage and Family Therapist when they’re seeking therapy as an individual. Fear not! Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT, LAMFT), Clinical Social Workers (LICSW), Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors (LPCC, LPCA), and others often function mostly similarly. There may be some slight variations in how different folks approach therapy, so if you don’t know, ask them! 

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

You know yourself better than anyone else. Trust your instincts to read the situation and person accurately. If you feel like the person won’t serve your needs in the way you’d like, you can communicate that! Every really great therapist will want what’s best for you. Even if that means helping you find someone that fits you and your needs even better. Asking for referrals and recommendations based on your unique needs and personal preferences is A-OK! Most every therapist has a bunch of fellow therapist pals who they often refer to. 

CHOOSING A THERAPIST: THE TAKEAWAY

Choosing the right therapist for you, as daunting as it can totally feel, is really the first most important step to building the life you really want. Making sure that you’re working with someone who allows you to feel supported, cared for, and encouraged by can make a huge difference in the outcome of therapy. Allow yourself the space to be curious, discerning, and open to all sorts of possibilities! There are so many different ways to be a human and there are lots of different ways to do therapy. Finding just the right mix will really help the process from start to end.

RESOURCES

You can find profiles for therapists in your area on

• Psychology Today
• Therapy Den
• Good Therapy

And a good old fashioned google search! Tip: be specific in your google search. Use terms that are relevant to you. For example, couples therapy Minneapolis or Twin Cities trauma therapist.

And you can always check out the wonderful therapists at Relationship Insights! Be sure to reach out if you have any questions or if there is anything that we can do to support you!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Therapy 101: Choosing A Therapist appeared first on Relationship Insights.

Ah, the holidays are coming to an end and a new year is approaching. The gifts have been given, the travels have been traveled, the weird distant cousins have all gone home, and now we can kick our feet back and start making miles long lists of all of the shit we want to change about ourselves. Sweet, sweet… relief?

I don’t know about you, but I always feel a metric ton of pressure around New Years’. Not only are we reflecting back on the year behind us, but we are also planning for the one ahead (even resolutions backed by science; no pressure, right? and this article is really interesting!). 

While foresight and setting goals is a fabulous way to begin a new year, there might be a few things we want to keep in mind:

1. COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY

   There is something really magical about the motivation we feel at the beginning of things. It can be relatively easy to decide we’re going to quadruple our gym efforts and nail it for a few weeks. The issue that many of us run into is that our goals and resolutions aren’t actually all that realistic. We start to lose steam when we don’t keep ourselves in mind while we’re excitedly setting those goals.

   It’s a great goal to want to spend more time in the gym, but if you’re currently not spending any at all, it might be a bit overwhelming to start suddenly going every single day. You’re far more likely to burn out and stop going altogether. Set yourself up for success and keep your resolutions reachable!

2. YOU ARE PART OF THIS
   

   Many of us are taught that once we’re in a relationship, that’s all we need to focus on. If we focus on building our relationships with other people, and leave out our relationship with ourselves, chances are we might find it more and more challenging to show up!

   Make time for yourself. Prioritize your health and wellness. It is so much easier to walk into our relationships with others when we’re well taken care of. Start noticing what you need to thrive and allow yourself to have those things. We can only show up at 100% when we have 100% to give. If we’re constantly running on empty, our relationships are bound to be impacted.
   

3. COMMUNICATE!
   

   Communication in relationships is of the utmost importance. Though we all tend to understand that on a cognitive level, it can be challenging to follow through.

   Effectively communicating our needs to our partner(s) requires vulnerability both with ourselves and the other people involved. For more on this, you can read 10 Rules for Effective Communication here! Part of this, too, is learning how to fight effectively! More on that right here!
   

4. GROW TOGETHER
   

   Think of who you were 10 years ago. Chances are, there are lots of things that are the same and lots of things that are very different. Life has a way of shifting our priorities and the parts of us that show up at any given time. 

   As we give ourselves the grace to grow and change, we might also practice that same grace for our partner(s). Make time to share and connect on a regular basis. Talk about the process of change in your lives, share the difficulties and successes, and encourage each other to explore! Our relationships can be the soft safety net we return to day after day. Allow space for that!

5. HAVE FUN WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOALS!

   Adulthood can be a real pain sometimes. There are bills, responsibilities, and having to do all of the things while also juggling all of the other things. I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly chomping at the bit to spend time with my partner going over our finances. Yes, that stuff is part of life.

   And it’s not all that life is!

   Make joy and fun a priority in your lives together. Leave room to breathe amongst all the responsibility! Let go, be silly, try new things together, bond over shared experiences that show you new sides of one another. Recreate your first date, go on a tried and true outing, or build a pillow fort in the middle of your living room just because you can. We might be grown-ups, but that doesn’t mean we always have to act like it.

RELATIONSHIP GOALS: THE TAKEAWAY

For a whole lot of us, deep and meaningful connections with other humans add to the overall wellness of our lives. When you have realistic relationship goals, you’re much more likely to find real ways to make that stuff happen.

Constantly searching for perfection and comparing our relationships to those of others, means that we often miss out on what’s right in front of us. You get to decide where your relationship bar is and working side by side to reach your relationship goals will make your relationship that much stronger.

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Relationship Goals appeared first on Relationship Insights.

One of the things we often see in our offices are couples and individuals wanting to work on their communication skills. We can easily identify when communicating is a problem in our relationships. However, it’s not always quite so easy to learn and implement the skills that can be really helpful.

WHY ARE LEARNING COMMUNICATION SKILLS HELPFUL?

As humans, we rely on verbal and nonverbal communication to connect with other people. The way we learn how to communicate comes from several different arenas in our lives. And, probably the most impactful are the relationships we learn from at home when we’re little. 

Think of it this way: while you were learning how to speak, you were also learning the rules and norms of the world you’re part of. It varies! We all learn how to do this human stuff differently! This is probably one of the reasons we often find ourselves not quite understanding why the people in our lives would do what they do. 

For example, we might have learned to communicate our needs to someone we love by falling silent, expecting them to dig and do the work to find out what’s needed. Sure, that might eventually get those important needs met. And it might also be really frustrating for everyone involved! If a misunderstanding becomes an argument or fight, see our 10 Rules For Fighting Fair in Relationships. 

Because we learn so much about communication before we can even speak, it makes sense that this is the realm of improvement with which many people identify. The patterns, habits, and beliefs about how we ask for what we need go deep! Switching it up can feel overwhelming, challenging, or hard. It can also be liberating and help us find the deep and meaningful connections we so deserve. To make it easy, here is a list of 10 Rules for Effective Communication:

1. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND
   

   It can be very easy when we’re having conversations with other people to tune out of what they’re saying in order to prepare our response. When we do this, not only are tuning out from the person speaking, we might also miss really important information! Listen to understand what the other person is saying. If you need time to think of a response, wait until they’ve finished speaking and ask for it. Make room for everyone at the table to be heard and understood. Including yourself.

2. EMPATHY, EMPATHY, EMPATHY
   

   Remember that we are all showing up as much as we can in any given situation. Sometimes, we have 100% of ourselves to give. Sometimes we just don’t. Allow space for the people in our lives to be fully human, just as you are. Refrain from offering advice unless asked, don’t belittle or undermine someone’s feelings, and have your solid, firm, and flexible boundaries in place. Learn some more about empathy in this great little video from Brené Brown.

3. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU
   

   You’re responsible for your feelings. When someone says or does something that is hurtful, we might get defensive and blame all of our yucky feelings on them. While some of that might be truthful, it often isn’t. Think of it like this, what another person says might not be the cause of an emotion, but the trigger for one. The event can bring up lots of feelings in the moment that have happened in our lives a long time ago.
   We’re ultimately in the driver’s seat of our life experiences. By owning our part in a conversation, we give space for the other person to do it, too. For example, saying something like, “I think you’re going to leave the first chance you get” might not get the same response from a partner as, “I’m feeling really vulnerable and not worth sticking around for.” It communicates the true emotional response and can help us get those needs met.

4. NOTICE YOUR BODY
   

   A great portion of human communication is non-verbal. We have facial expressions, body postures, and very subtle ways of movement that are constantly communicating with other people.  These things tell everyone around us a lot more about us than we think they do. By being aware of our body, we can avoid accidentally communicating something we don’t mean to.

5. BE SPECIFIC
   

   When we make requests of another person, it’s incredibly helpful to be specific about it. What we mean when we say “I need you to show up for me” might be interpreted differently depending on who we’re talking to. Their definition of showing up might be very, very different from yours. So while they’re busy showing up in all of the ways they know how to, they might not be showing up in the way you need them to. Being specific in our requests means that the other person is far more likely to understand what you’re in need of.

6. CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS
   

   What’s your intention in having a conversation with someone? What are you trying to understand? How are you trying to be understood? What are you looking for? Knowing this stuff can be incredibly helpful! Knowing what your point is can help you stay with it.

7. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE RIGHT
   

   Ya just don’t. Sometimes we’re wrong. Sometimes we’re right and having a conversation with someone who just refuses to see it. We don’t have to circle around aimlessly in a conversation trying to prove how right we are.

8. BE WILLING TO HEAR “NO”
   

   Just as you’re a full, dynamic, complex, and important human being with thoughts, opinions, and feelings, so is everyone else. Be willing to hear the truth. Be willing and open to rejection. If you notice that you become very defensive when someone says “no,” what is that defensiveness trying to say to you?

9. EMBRACE CONFLICT
   

   Conflict happens. Doing all we can to avoid conflict can often lead to some very deep feelings of resentment and feeling unheard or unimportant. We’re far more likely to have a much bigger fight by holding it all in until we bust at the seams. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion, which means there are probably a few primary emotions lurking under the surface. Usually, those primary emotions are related to fear. It isn’t to say that our anger isn’t valid, but perhaps to actually underscore that. Anger has a place. So does conflict. Embracing it as part of how we do stuff means that it doesn’t have to take up quite so much space in your box of fears.

10. SHOW UP
    

    Show up! Show people that you’re listening and tracking what they’re saying. Be present in your conversations as much as you can. Remember that even if we’re feeling at a solid 5/10, showing up fully at that 5 is our 100% for that moment.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION: THE TAKEAWAY

So much of how we communicate with others actually depends on how well we’re managing our own experience. If we get triggered and dysregulated, it can be more difficult to come back to neutral. Practicing using effective strategies for communicating while we’re already neutral can be a really great way to solidify skills. That way, we get good at them before we need to call on them during a more heated conversation. 

As with so many things, have some compassion for your own learning experience. We’re born ready to learn how to communicate and start learning right away. That means some of what we’re working with is as old as we are. It makes sense that we have the same reactions and feelings that we’ve always had. Changing it up doesn’t have to be changing who we are. But rather, it’s an opportunity to decide how we are going to do this life stuff.

You got this. And if you need support, the therapists at Relationship Insights are only an email away!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post 10 Rules for Effective Communication appeared first on Relationship Insights.

Grief is confusingly universal. While we mostly have a shared sense of knowing that life is ephemeral and loved ones won’t be around forever, the actual experience of loss is often deeply and profoundly different for all of us. It, like the way we love and the way we structure our lives, depends on what we’ve learned about loss. Some of us very genuinely learn that the loss of a loved one is something worth celebrating. Others of us learn that life must pause in honor of those who have gone from this worldly plane to the next. And lots of us learn to avoid the depth of feeling that comes with loss entirely.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

SO, WHAT DO WE DO WITH GRIEF?

So, what we do about grief really depends on a whole lot, too. The most important thing we can do for ourselves when we’re grieving is to give ourselves exactly what we need as we process life on the other side of loss. 

When something happens in our lives, people tend to rush in with advice, words meant to be helpful, and casseroles. Some of that might be helpful and lots of it usually isn’t. It can feel a lot like you’re consoling everyone else. We can kind of get our needs and desires a bit lost in the shuffle of everyone else’s grief.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

While it’s absolutely part of the process to show up and help the people in our lives who are also grieving, it’s really important that we check in with ourselves and hone in on what we need. Grief looks different for all of us, so what we need from the world will look different, too. If you need to gather around with loved ones and laugh together while you relive old memories, reach out to those trusted few who you most want to be there and do it. Laugh together. Grief can be as joyful as it is sorrowful. If you need to stay home on the couch completely alone, allow yourself to have that time. 

FEEL THE GRIEF

Feeling the grief is really the only way we can move through it. Putting it away and pretending it isn’t happening gives those feelings and fears permission to fester in our bodies somewhere. Let yourself have those things here and now. Break down into a heap in the shower, sit on your front porch in the pouring rain and let the weight of your wet clothes hold you down, fall into the arms of someone you love, scrub your bathroom floor, go for a really long run and sweat until you’re a puddle. 

Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life. ~ Maria V. Snyder, Storm Glass

What do you need right now? As time goes on, and our grief shifts and changes, the things we need in the midst of it can change, too. Give yourself space and compassion to be how you are. 

EXPRESS YOURSELF

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” ~ William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Grief can be especially hard to navigate because it can make so many of us uncomfortable. It reminds us that we aren’t invincible. We are suddenly forced to reckon with our own mortality and that of those we love most. It’s deep and it’s yucky and it makes sense that we want to get through it and over the pain as soon as humanly possible. Grief can ask our brains to get caught in the trap of questioning reality. Usually, there isn’t an explanation or an answer to the “why?” of loss. It might be helpful to tell the story of your lost loved one or to talk about your grief. You may also not want to talk about it at all. Letting it all build up inside of our brains and bodies can feel really heavy. Get it out somehow. 

Journal, make art, spend time in nature, try something new. Get your brain and body on the same page and let yourself explore your own experience in ways that feel approachable, useful and safe for you. 

TAKE YOUR TIME WITH GRIEF

Time really is the greatest healer. It is also one of the most powerful reminders of what we’ve lost. Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries can come and go with varying levels of remembrance, pain, and celebration. Take your time. There is no end date. You don’t have to hurry through the pain. There is no race, finish line, or goal. This process is yours. Timelines are arbitrary.

GET SUPPORT

Lean into your people. We don’t often choose to experience big life events alone, do we? Giving birth and celebrating birthdays are things we do in the company of other people. Death can be the same thing. Find community in people you already know, find support in groups with people who are experiencing similar pain, and a therapist you can trust to help you process and explore your grief.

REMEMBERING

Remember your loved ones how you want to. Join in the rituals, celebrations, and customs that make sense to you in your life. Engage with the world in the ways it makes sense for you, especially when grief is new or especially raw. Just as there aren’t right ways to live, there also aren’t right (or wrong) ways to grieve. 

GRIEF & WHAT WE CAN DO: THE TAKEAWAY

There is a difference between traumatic and ordinary grief. If grief is overwhelming or feels like it is too much to bear, give yourself grace enough to get the support you need. If you need professional help or assistance at any time, seek it out. Your life is important and you are never truly alone. 

List of community resources for ordinary, ambiguous, and traumatic grief:

https://www.griefloss.org/community-resources.html

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Grief & What We Can Do appeared first on Relationship Insights.

Grief. When the word comes up, a lot of us might buckle at our knees a little bit. We might be taken back to the moments of our own grief. The anguish of having lost someone or something that really, really matters is a sensation that circles around with, and within, us. Memories of joy become some twisted version of painful and joyful all at once, and we can feel stuck in the limbo of but what do I do now? So, let’s start with a definition:

WHAT IS GRIEF?

Grief /ɡrēf/

noun
deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.

Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”

Grief isn’t limited to the loss of loved ones to death. In fact, an ever-evolving field of research is in Ambiguous Loss. Ambiguous loss is a loss that is unclear or lacks definition. It’s the kind of grief that doesn’t really have a category with which to explain and people might not think to ask. Because people often don’t really see loss when it isn’t defined, we’re often taught to kind of just stuff it down and carry on. Losses that are ambiguous might look like a miscarriage, trauma, or divorce. Perhaps an elderly parent being diagnosed with dementia or a loved one with a chronic or life-threatening illness. It can also look like a breakup or the losses of a really big important dream.

GRIEF IS OVERWHELMING

It’s easy to become overwhelmed by grief. It, like so many human experiences, is so deeply whole-bodied. Grief is as visceral as it is living in your memories. It’s beyond sadness, it’s sorrowful. It can feel as if nothing will ever be the same. Grief is a natural human response to loss. When something meaningful is no longer reachable, we experience the absence in so many different ways.

While many of us have some knowledge of the stages of grief, I’m going to move away from that way of understanding grief. Mostly because many experts agree that it isn’t exactly right. While we might experience grief in the form of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Most of us will probably not experience our grief in a neat little order that ends with acceptance.

HOW WE DO EXPERIENCE IT?

The way we grieve is dependent on a lot of different variables. It depends on what we believe about the world, about loss, and about ourselves. Also, it can depend on what we’ve been taught, our spiritual beliefs, and our personal experiences. And, our relationship to the person or thing we’ve lost.

There isn’t one way to experience grief, and yet grief is one of the most universal human experiences. While many of us associate grieving with sadness, It can also be compounded and made more complicated by feelings of relief, guilt, or confusion over the loss. For people who become caretakers of loved ones who are dying, they often report a sense of relief when they’re gone. That sense of relief can bring up a whole myriad of feelings that are far less pleasant to experience.

GRIEF: THE TAKEAWAY

Grief is a process. There isn’t a formula for how it’s best done. There aren’t actual stages. It’s an emotionally dynamic reckoning of loss. Finding a place for the expectation that grief isn’t as straight-forward as we want it to be can be a useful way to let ourselves begin to actually experience it, which is one of the only ways we can actually begin to heal.

Grief doesn’t have a timetable. Or a map. It isn’t concerned with what someone else thinks or how someone else is grieving. We can’t lessen the pain or pretend it doesn’t exist because that’s a surefire way of extending the process. You can do this and you aren’t alone.

SOME RESOURCES FOR YOU

In the meantime, here are some wonderful resources and books about grief, and loss. As well as the life that comes after:

• Hot Young Widows Club
  Nora McInerny
• No Happy Endings
  Nora McInerny
• It’s Ok to Laugh (Crying is Cool, Too)
  Nora McInerny
• Terrible, Thanks For Asking (TTFA Podcast)
  Nora McInerny
• It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok
  Megan Divine
• About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope
  Jessica Berger Gross
• Once More We Saw Stars
  Jayson Greene
• How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies
  Therese Rando, PhD
• The Other Side of Sadness
  George Banano
• The Year of Magical Thinking
  Joan Didion

Tune in to our next blogs on grief around the holidays, as well as what you can do to support yourself through the grieving process.

And, if you haven’t yet, check out our Holiday Survival Guide blog series!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Grief, Loss, and Ambiguity appeared first on Relationship Insights.

You might’ve heard the word ‘attachment’ floating around the interwebs in the last few years. Attachment theory has everything to do with how we bond with the super important people in our most valued relationships. Think partners, close friends, and family. Attachment is a sense of security in ourselves, in others, and in the world around us. And like so many things that we learn in our families of origin, we also learn about security and attachment from our caregivers.

Attachment theory teaches us that security that we learned through attachment is incredibly important because of how it affects our ability to have healthy relationships. And, healthy relationships are kind of the keys to the queendom! Happy and healthy relationships give our lives meaning and help us feel connected and rooted in the world! So, yeah, kind of major stuff to know about! Let’s take a minute to break it down… 

WHAT IS ATTACHMENT?

A person’s attachment status is a fundamental determinant of their relationships, and this is reflected in the way they feel about themselves, and others.” ~ Jeremy Holmes, John Bowlby and Attachment Theory

We can thank psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby for being the MVPs of the field known as attachment. Ainsworth and Bowlby did the research that led to what we now know about attachment styles – more on that soon. That is to say, the way we attach, why we attach, and why it all matters in the first place. 

Attachment Theory explains how we develop bonds with significant others so that we may meet emotional needs. As babies, our lives literally depend on our caregivers to take care of our needs. These needs include physical needs like food, warmth, protection and also, YES, emotional needs. So, things like nervous system regulation, affection, comforting and soothing. 

MOSTLY CONSISTENT & DEPENDABLE CARE

When these physical and emotional needs are met in a mostly dependable and consistent way by a primary caregiver, we develop what’s called a Secure Attachment style. (The emphasis is on the word mostly, because humans aren’t perfect and neither are caregivers!) Caregivers supply a secure base, or dependable availability, to the child. This secure base allows the child to move away to explore the world and then be in close proximity for safety if there is fear or danger. Pretty cool, right?

John Bowlby described attachment as “the lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.” If you read our blog post on stress, you might remember that the connections we make to other people are absolutely vital to our survival. Think about a newborn baby. That freshly baked kid needs another human to care for their basic needs. 

WHY DOES IT MATTER?

It matters because we learn what to expect from the important people in our lives, starting the moment we’re born. Say that our parents can’t (or won’t) consistently and reliably be there for us. What we then learn is that the things we need aren’t reliable.

We are also meaning-making creatures. So, the stories we write about our lives tell us what to believe about needing other people, as well as having needs in general. When our parents don’t reliably provide the basics and consistently tune in to our needs, it sends a message. And, that message might unconsciously register as “we don’t deserve to be cared for.” That is what follows us as we grow up and have adult relationships. 

For example, let’s say that your partner forgets to follow through on a small promise they made. This might not seem like much. But, it may feel very much like the despair you experienced when you were accidentally left alone in your crib for too long and were really scared.

Makes sense, yes?

NEUROBIOLOGICALLY WIRED FOR ATTACHMENT

This stuff is really important, y’all. As primates, we are neurobiologically wired to form connections with others. Thinkaboutit! Our instinct to connect with others can override our instinct, ability, or desire to feed ourselves or sleep! That’s serious business!

Our attachment style forms the patterns of behavior we might see in our lives. In general, there are four attachment patterns or styles that most of us will fit into. They are Secure, Ambivalent/Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized.

SECURE ATTACHMENT

In early childhood, a securely attached kiddo might react with a fair amount of distress when separated from a caregiver and joy when the caregiver returns. When scared, a securely attached child will seek out the comfort and safety of a trusted caregiver. They know where safety is and how to get to it! 

A securely attached grown-up acts in a very similar way. They tend to be generally comfortable expressing their needs and desires, comfortable being close, and comfortable being farther away. In essence, they react relatively appropriately to stressors out of their control. They’re more likely to find healthy and productive ways to manage the stress of day-to-day life. They can easily identify where safety is and the most effective ways to find safety should it be necessary. 

AMBIVALENT/ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT

A kid who has an Ambivalent or Anxious Attachment style tends to have really, really big reactions to a parent leaving the room. We usually see this when caregivers themselves have really inconsistent emotional reactions to the child or aren’t consistent in their care. In short, the kiddo doesn’t really know what to expect from the person responsible for keeping them safe, so they learn to take all they can while they have the ability to. They might get really, really worried when a parent leaves and spend a lot of their time concerned that mom or dad might not come back. 

Adults with Ambivalent or Anxious attachment might behave very similarly. Folks who might experience this attachment pattern might be overly dependent on a romantic partner for comfort or safety. They might make disproportionate bids for affection. Or consistently experience a great deal of anxiety when their partner is unreachable or quiet. They tend to have a sense of distrust in the people on whom they rely for safety. And, they might find it really uncomfortable to communicate their needs and desires without getting distressed.

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

For a little who has an Avoidant Attachment style, they are going to do all they can to rely on themselves instead of their caregivers. In fact, they might not even notice or care whether a primary caregiver is in the room or not. Behaviors that look a lot like they are avoiding safety might actually be their brain’s way of avoiding harm.

Adults who have Avoidant Attachment patterns might be really emotionally distant or become cold when experiencing stress, will avoid situations that might trigger emotional responses, display a distance from their own emotional needs, or not even recognize that they have emotional needs at all. They might also have disproportionate emotional reactions to events that might otherwise be seen as ‘good’ by others. Like a tendency to self-sabotage when things are going really, really well. They might also experience an intense need for control in their lives and feel deeply uncomfortable or even unsafe when they cannot access a sense of control. 

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT

This one works exactly like it sounds like it does. A kiddo with a Disorganized Attachment style is kind of all over the place. They don’t tend to have consistent or predictable reactions to a parent leaving or entering a room. It kind of depends. This kind of behavior is very common in kiddos who have experienced abuse. The source of safety is also the cause of harm, and there are competing instincts of moving towards and moving away. Kids might seem disoriented or confused when a caregiver leaves, or may even resist the caregiver altogether. 

For adults who have Disorganized Attachment patterns, they might find it difficult to relate socially or emotionally co-regulate with others. Reactions to stressors that are disproportionate and unpredictable. It can be difficult to trust other people and even difficult to understand their own emotional responses. They just know it’s more comfortable to back away from emotional connection or closeness.

CAN ATTACHMENT STYLE BE CHANGED?

The good news is that romantic partnerships seem to be a well-suited environment to shift our attachment styles more toward the secure. Consistent responsiveness can help rewire our brains! And couples therapy helps enormously. Being able to effectively communicate our needs to our partners can make a huge difference. It improves our chances of connecting and feeling secure in our significant other relationship. And, that’s what attachment is all about. 

SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

If you’re one of the 50% of Americans who developed a secure attachment to your caregiver, this doesn’t mean that your relationships are perfect. Similarly, having an insecure attachment style doesn’t mean that you’re impossible to “deal with.” Our attachment styles and behavior patterns can, and do, impact how we do what we do every day. However, we aren’t beholden to a list of behaviors based on how we attached to our parents. Here’s what you can do:

KNOW YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

The first step in improving our relationships is being aware of the patterns we already have! Knowing our attachment style doesn’t mean we can’t change them and it doesn’t justify unhelpful or abusive behaviors. More deeply understanding ourselves means we can more easily choose to walk into our lives in the ways we really want to. And, more deeply understanding our partners means we can more easily find empathy and a sense of deep compassion when they react in ways we don’t like. It’s like developing a relationship superpower!

CHANGE YOUR RESPONSES

Changing the way you respond in your relationships begins to unwind unhelpful attachment dynamics. If you have an Anxious Attachment style, you can move away from pursuing your partner and let them have a little room to breathe. If you have an Avoidant Attachment style you can get better at moving closer to your partner which will feel reassuring to them. This kind of practice can profoundly change things for the better insignificant other relationships.

KNOW THAT STRESS IS A TRIGGER

When people are stressed or in conflict, attachment wounds get triggered. Again, knowledge is power here. A little preventative planning can really help. Know that you get on each other’s nerves when getting ready to go out? Slow down and remind yourself to be patient and don’t take it personally. Use a distraction technique, or try giving the person the benefit of the doubt. These things can go a long way!

2 STEPS FORWARD 1 & 1/2 STEPS BACK

These things take time. If something is wired into us, it’s going to take some practice and patience to get better at it!  Learning new things is hard, so be gentle with yourselves. Try to remember that we are on the same team.

Take this attachment style quiz by attachment specialist Diane Poole Heller, and see what attachment style is most reflected in your relationships and behaviors. Remember, knowledge is power!

IT’S COMPLEX

Attachment and safety are full-body things. They’re dependent on previously learned attachment styles as well as neurological wiring. And, to make things even more challenging, attachment is also dependent on our socio-economic status, race, gender, biological sex, religious beliefs, country- or region-of-origin. And, so many more things. Including all of those things from our parents! And our parents’ parents! And so on, and so on, and so on. 

Attachment is one of those very complex life things that can feel tricky and simple all at the same time. And it impacts us in ways that we might not expect it to. We might avoid our inbox because responsibilities feel heavy like they did when we were little or get so preoccupied with making a presentation perfect that we forget to eat lunch. All of that is connected to what we learned to believe about ourselves and the world. And all of that is what we learned when we were the soft, squishy, and bright-eyed little kids who couldn’t stop asking questions. 

ATTACHMENT: THE TAKEAWAY

Working through and with our attachment style is a journey that has ups, downs, setbacks, and triumphs. So we thought we’d offer up some great books for the ride:

• The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships, by Diane Poole Heller
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love, by Levine & Heller
• Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can do About It, by Becker-Phelps
• Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build and Build a Secure Relationship, by Stan Tatkin

Also, the therapists at Relationship Insights would be honored to stand alongside you through this journey of self-exploration and change. So, get curious and keep asking questions! Reach out to get started today.

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Attachment 101 appeared first on Relationship Insights.

WHAT IS STRESS?

According to the Cleveland Clinic,  “Stress is the body’s reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or response. The body reacts to these changes with physical, mental, and emotional responses.”  Stress isn’t inherently a bad thing. In fact, some of life’s most incredible moments top the list of most impactful stressors; getting a promotion, becoming a parent, getting married, and moving can all produce stress.

Actually, stress is such a normal part of human functioning that our bodies are specially designed to manage it. The trouble often begins in our internalization of the process. Our culture asks very specific things of us that are often not supportive of how our bodies want to work through stress. We not only have to contend with the stress that comes in the big waves, but also tend to be overworked, underpaid, and beholden to cultural values and standards that see productivity as the end all be all to be worth something.

It’s a lot! You are not alone. 

HOW STRESS WORKS

When we’re placed under any kind of stress, our bodies release a cascade of neurobiologically relevant hormones, chemicals, and immune responses. Stress is meant to be transient for us, ending as soon as the stressor is removed. This cascade is meant to assist us in removing the stressor in order to return back to neutral. This is why in moments of intense stress, our bodies might tense up or tremble. Our heart and respiration rates increase, and we may feel downright overwhelmed. When stress comes up, our bodies are hardwired to respond to it; be it happy stress like gettin’ hitched or the hard stuff like losing a job.

Compounding of everyday stress creates an internal environment that functions incredibly similar to the big stress. That nagging feeling that everything on your to-do list is gonna jump up and bite you? It’s real! And, over time, all of that stress can become toxic, having really significant emotional and physiological impacts. 

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF STRESS

Stress that continues without relief can lead to a shift in our body’s equilibrium and become distress. Chronic stress leads to physical symptoms like:

• Headaches
• Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
• Chest pain
• Upset stomach
• Elevated blood pressure
• Sexual dysfunction
• Sweating
• Fainting
• Heart Disease
• Trouble breathing

EMOTIONAL SYMPTOMS OF STRESS

Stress can also have significant impacts on our emotional selves. Some of these symptoms can include:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Constant worry or fear
• Panic attacks
• Forgetfulness
• Anger
• Trouble concentrating
• Irritability 
• Feelings of insecurity or self-doubt

BEHAVIORAL SYMPTOMS OF STRESS

The uptick in physical and emotional symptoms in times of great or prolonged stress can often lead to concerning behavioral changes, too. Things like:

• Changes in diet
• Sudden angry outbursts
• Increased risk of substance abuse
• Social withdrawal
• Relationship distress
• Increased use of mood-altering chemicals like nicotine and caffeine 

Not only does chronic stress begin to measurably impact our lives, but also, it can be a truly distressing experience. One that we can find ourselves in unwittingly, and seemingly out of nowhere. 

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT STRESS

So, what do we do about it?

NOTICE IT

We can get so focused on the overwhelm of our ever-expanding to-do lists that we don’t have the opportunity to slow down and take note of what is actually happening in our bodies. We might shrug off the occasional headache and not even notice when they begin happening every single day. The first step in being able to navigate stress is to notice it! How does stress impact you and your body? Notice how your body feels, and how the feelings change over the course of a day. Where are you when you really start to feel stress creep in? What do you usually do to soothe yourself? Noticing the presence and impact of stress means that we can begin taking real steps to manage it.

THE USUAL

Like with most things in our lives, taking care of the bodies we’re in is a vital part of managing stress. Getting enough sleep, staying hydrated, moving our bodies, and mindfulness are all really important tools. They’re on every list that’s ever been written about stress management and for a very good reason. Stress is such a deeply physical thing! Preventing and working with it must also include some solid tender loving care for our bodies. 

TALK IT THROUGH

Open up to the people in your life with whom you can feel safe and supported. Talk through how you’re feeling and the ways in which you’re noticing stress creep in. Sharing our struggles with trusted loved ones provides an intimacy that can function as a stress-relief all by itself.  Connecting with other humans on a deep level releases another cascade of chemicals and hormones that might be able to act as an antidote to stress. Pretty cool, huh? The APA encourages folks to expand their social support networks. Even if you’re not feeling stressed, having a strong support system can help prevent stress from developing and provide the necessary support when it does pop up. 

DESTRESS THE DISTRESS

When do you get to just be? What are the things you do that connect you with your humanness? It’s different for all of us! Some of us find that we can recharge and destress in the comfort of our own company, wrapped up with a good book. Others prefer a high energy workout. Perhaps we might even prefer a really well-balanced combination of both. Approach destress with an energy of curiosity. If you aren’t quite sure how to discharge the overwhelm, try something new! Explore how your body responds when you give it what it’s asking for. 

PRIORITIZE

What tasks need to be done now and what can be scheduled later in the day, week, or month? How much energy do we really want to channel into a given task? Where is my energy most needed or useful today? What do I need in order to show up as fully as I can? Can I commit to prioritizing myself today? Ask yourself lots of questions and game plan for what needs to be done and in what order. 

TIME MANAGEMENT

Knowing what lies ahead and how much time you can allocate to any given task can be monumental in finding an avenue for stress relief. Set aside time for yourself to take stock of your day ahead and prepare for the best use of your time. Be realistic here. We only have so many hours in one day and filling it up to the brim can lead to burnout really quickly. Trying to make space for ourselves when we’re really, really burnt out takes a lot more time and energy than it does to prevent it from happening in the first place. 

ASK THE PROS

Therapy can be as specific for what you’re experiencing as you need it to be. Being stressed is a really great reason to seek out the help of a therapist. In therapy, we can learn how to change how we view a particular stressor, learn alternate coping techniques, receive invaluable support, and actually lower the impact of stress on our physical and emotional selves. We can also address the stories we tell ourselves about what stress means about us. Shame can creep in and make an already tricky thing so much trickier. Therapy is a great place to gently reauthor the story. Stress can also be managed with medications and other physiological interventions. Visiting a doctor can be a great first step. 

STRESS: THE TAKEAWAY

Stress is an all-encompassing and normal experience. It can also be distressing and overwhelming! While we can’t necessarily do much about many of the stressors in our lives, we can learn how to work with our own internal experiences. Knowing ourselves and knowing the conditions under which we can truly thrive gives us powerful insight into how we can address stress when it comes up. 

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Symptoms of Stress and What You Can Do appeared first on Relationship Insights.

WHAT IS ANXIETY?

Anxiety is our body’s natural response to stress. Though researchers aren’t totally clued in on how and why anxiety happens, we do have some insights into the process that can be really helpful to remember when we are in the throes of it. First, it’s biological! 

When we are faced with a stressful situation, our body releases hormones and chemicals that signal a shift over to our sympathetic nervous system; the good old fight, flight, or freeze response. Feeling our bodies tense up, our heart rates increase, and our breath becoming shallower and faster is part of this. It’s part of the very old human instinct that wants to keep us safe. It’s a natural defense system so we can get away, fight against, or play dead convincingly enough for the threat to lose interest. In that way, anxiety began as a very helpful tool for avoiding becoming lunch for wild beasts like sabertooth tigers.

However, the way we live our lives in the 21st century often presents stressors that are invisible or really hard to spot. While there isn’t much danger of being eaten by a wild beast anymore, modern-day fears like keeping up with the Joneses, what we look like, how much money we make, and perfectionism – THAT shit is real. Fears of inadequacy and not belonging come up in ways that interrupt our lives, and they can sometimes be extreme. These modern-day fears can be tremendously distressing and isolating. Anxiety is universal and it’s important to know that you are not alone. And the good news is that there are things you can do that really help. 

So, let’s start by talking about symptoms …

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF ANXIETY?

Have you ever woken up out of breath full of dread for some unknown future event? Perhaps your mind won’t stop racing and your body feels as if you’ve been pressed up to the edge of a cliff. Or maybe you find yourself irritable and angry and can’t quite feel a sense of ease, like, EVER. 

Symptoms of anxiety are varied and can interrupt the flow of our lives. It can be a deeply uncomfortable experience to be full of worry and fear. Sometimes the hardest part is to feel as if there isn’t an outlet that can calm the intensity, which often will ramp up the distress even more. Now, remember, though it is uncomfortable, anxiety is part of a deeply normal human experience! 

COMMON SYMPTOMS OF ANXIETY

• Hot and cold flashes and sweatiness
• Chronic rumination or worry
• Shaking or trembling
• Elevated heart rate
• Tight feeling in the chest, chest pain
• Restlessness or feeling on edge
• Fatigue or exhaustion
• Difficulty concentrating or memory issues
• Irritability,  rage or impatience
• Sleep disturbances (it is very common to struggle with falling asleep, staying asleep, or to have very restless and unsatisfying sleep)

It is also very common to experience symptoms of anxiety and depression at the same time. In fact, studies show that of the 12-20% of Americans who visit their doctor for symptoms of depression, about half of them will also have symptoms of depression. Check out our blog post on depression for more info.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

The good news is that there are also lots and lots of things that you and a variety of different trusted professionals can do to help. Here are just some:

GO TO THERAPY

Therapy can be incredibly useful for all forms of anxiety. It can be a place to process the experiences and fears and to get useful feedback from a professional who can provide you tools for when anxiety shows up. Often, some of the stress of knowing anxiety can come is enough to get the cycle started. Having someone on your team to validate, hear, and help you is an invaluable part of living with anxiety. There are lots of different ways to approach treatment for anxiety so shop around! The therapists at Relationship Insights offer free consultations so you have the opportunity to ask questions and find the perfect fit for you. 

SEE YOUR DOC

Because many of the symptoms of anxiety are so physiological, it’s important to visit your doctor to rule out any physical causes. Many people report chest pains and shortness of breath associated with anxiety. While these symptoms of anxiety are relatively common, make sure to be seen by a trusted medical professional to rule out more serious health concerns. Like with depression, it might also be possible to get a referral for a psychiatrist who can provide information about medications that can be prescribed for anxiety. 

MOVE YOUR BODY

Research strongly indicates that exercising can greatly reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression (check out this animated book summary of Spark, by John Ratey – it will blow your mind!). Exercise shifts the hormones and chemicals in our bodies and provides a sense of control over what our bodies are doing in the moment. This can be really helpful! It’s a great way to regulate our breathing, get some fresh air, and to provide an outlet for some of the amped-up feelings that can accompany anxiety. 

MANAGE STRESS

Be really honest with yourself about what is going on in your life and what you need to manage it. This means something different for every person but is vitally important for managing symptoms of anxiety. Eating food that feels energizing, allowing yourself to rest, and brushing up on your time management skills can be really helpful! For some, having a really predictable routine and firm boundaries around when or where we work can be game-changing. Stay tuned for more on self-care, toxic stress, and self-empowerment.

BREATHE

Inhale for a count of 5…4…3…2..1.. Hold 6…5…4…3…2…1… Exhale 8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…

Taking slow, intentional deep breaths can regulate your nervous system, slow your heart rate down if it’s elevated, and bring you back into the present moment. Anxiety often asks us to stay in the past or future, taking a deep breath can connect us back to what is happening right here and now. 

ANXIETY: THE TAKEAWAY

If you’re dealing with anxiety, often, what might work best for you is a combination of many, or all, of these things. Please know that it is totally possible to manage anxiety. Reaching out for help when we’re anxious can feel like a really daunting task. Remember, the therapists at Relationship Insights are trained to help you develop an anxiety game plan of your own and are here to support you every step of the way.

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

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