One of the things we often see in our offices are couples and individuals wanting to work on their communication skills. We can easily identify when communicating is a problem in our relationships. However, it’s not always quite so easy to learn and implement the skills that can be really helpful.

WHY ARE LEARNING COMMUNICATION SKILLS HELPFUL?

As humans, we rely on verbal and nonverbal communication to connect with other people. The way we learn how to communicate comes from several different arenas in our lives. And, probably the most impactful are the relationships we learn from at home when we’re little. 

Think of it this way: while you were learning how to speak, you were also learning the rules and norms of the world you’re part of. It varies! We all learn how to do this human stuff differently! This is probably one of the reasons we often find ourselves not quite understanding why the people in our lives would do what they do. 

For example, we might have learned to communicate our needs to someone we love by falling silent, expecting them to dig and do the work to find out what’s needed. Sure, that might eventually get those important needs met. And it might also be really frustrating for everyone involved! If a misunderstanding becomes an argument or fight, see our 10 Rules For Fighting Fair in Relationships. 

Because we learn so much about communication before we can even speak, it makes sense that this is the realm of improvement with which many people identify. The patterns, habits, and beliefs about how we ask for what we need go deep! Switching it up can feel overwhelming, challenging, or hard. It can also be liberating and help us find the deep and meaningful connections we so deserve. To make it easy, here is a list of 10 Rules for Effective Communication:

1. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND
   

   It can be very easy when we’re having conversations with other people to tune out of what they’re saying in order to prepare our response. When we do this, not only are tuning out from the person speaking, we might also miss really important information! Listen to understand what the other person is saying. If you need time to think of a response, wait until they’ve finished speaking and ask for it. Make room for everyone at the table to be heard and understood. Including yourself.

2. EMPATHY, EMPATHY, EMPATHY
   

   Remember that we are all showing up as much as we can in any given situation. Sometimes, we have 100% of ourselves to give. Sometimes we just don’t. Allow space for the people in our lives to be fully human, just as you are. Refrain from offering advice unless asked, don’t belittle or undermine someone’s feelings, and have your solid, firm, and flexible boundaries in place. Learn some more about empathy in this great little video from Brené Brown.

3. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU
   

   You’re responsible for your feelings. When someone says or does something that is hurtful, we might get defensive and blame all of our yucky feelings on them. While some of that might be truthful, it often isn’t. Think of it like this, what another person says might not be the cause of an emotion, but the trigger for one. The event can bring up lots of feelings in the moment that have happened in our lives a long time ago.
   We’re ultimately in the driver’s seat of our life experiences. By owning our part in a conversation, we give space for the other person to do it, too. For example, saying something like, “I think you’re going to leave the first chance you get” might not get the same response from a partner as, “I’m feeling really vulnerable and not worth sticking around for.” It communicates the true emotional response and can help us get those needs met.

4. NOTICE YOUR BODY
   

   A great portion of human communication is non-verbal. We have facial expressions, body postures, and very subtle ways of movement that are constantly communicating with other people.  These things tell everyone around us a lot more about us than we think they do. By being aware of our body, we can avoid accidentally communicating something we don’t mean to.

5. BE SPECIFIC
   

   When we make requests of another person, it’s incredibly helpful to be specific about it. What we mean when we say “I need you to show up for me” might be interpreted differently depending on who we’re talking to. Their definition of showing up might be very, very different from yours. So while they’re busy showing up in all of the ways they know how to, they might not be showing up in the way you need them to. Being specific in our requests means that the other person is far more likely to understand what you’re in need of.

6. CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS
   

   What’s your intention in having a conversation with someone? What are you trying to understand? How are you trying to be understood? What are you looking for? Knowing this stuff can be incredibly helpful! Knowing what your point is can help you stay with it.

7. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE RIGHT
   

   Ya just don’t. Sometimes we’re wrong. Sometimes we’re right and having a conversation with someone who just refuses to see it. We don’t have to circle around aimlessly in a conversation trying to prove how right we are.

8. BE WILLING TO HEAR “NO”
   

   Just as you’re a full, dynamic, complex, and important human being with thoughts, opinions, and feelings, so is everyone else. Be willing to hear the truth. Be willing and open to rejection. If you notice that you become very defensive when someone says “no,” what is that defensiveness trying to say to you?

9. EMBRACE CONFLICT
   

   Conflict happens. Doing all we can to avoid conflict can often lead to some very deep feelings of resentment and feeling unheard or unimportant. We’re far more likely to have a much bigger fight by holding it all in until we bust at the seams. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion, which means there are probably a few primary emotions lurking under the surface. Usually, those primary emotions are related to fear. It isn’t to say that our anger isn’t valid, but perhaps to actually underscore that. Anger has a place. So does conflict. Embracing it as part of how we do stuff means that it doesn’t have to take up quite so much space in your box of fears.

10. SHOW UP
    

    Show up! Show people that you’re listening and tracking what they’re saying. Be present in your conversations as much as you can. Remember that even if we’re feeling at a solid 5/10, showing up fully at that 5 is our 100% for that moment.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION: THE TAKEAWAY

So much of how we communicate with others actually depends on how well we’re managing our own experience. If we get triggered and dysregulated, it can be more difficult to come back to neutral. Practicing using effective strategies for communicating while we’re already neutral can be a really great way to solidify skills. That way, we get good at them before we need to call on them during a more heated conversation. 

As with so many things, have some compassion for your own learning experience. We’re born ready to learn how to communicate and start learning right away. That means some of what we’re working with is as old as we are. It makes sense that we have the same reactions and feelings that we’ve always had. Changing it up doesn’t have to be changing who we are. But rather, it’s an opportunity to decide how we are going to do this life stuff.

You got this. And if you need support, the therapists at Relationship Insights are only an email away!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

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Grief is confusingly universal. While we mostly have a shared sense of knowing that life is ephemeral and loved ones won’t be around forever, the actual experience of loss is often deeply and profoundly different for all of us. It, like the way we love and the way we structure our lives, depends on what we’ve learned about loss. Some of us very genuinely learn that the loss of a loved one is something worth celebrating. Others of us learn that life must pause in honor of those who have gone from this worldly plane to the next. And lots of us learn to avoid the depth of feeling that comes with loss entirely.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

SO, WHAT DO WE DO WITH GRIEF?

So, what we do about grief really depends on a whole lot, too. The most important thing we can do for ourselves when we’re grieving is to give ourselves exactly what we need as we process life on the other side of loss. 

When something happens in our lives, people tend to rush in with advice, words meant to be helpful, and casseroles. Some of that might be helpful and lots of it usually isn’t. It can feel a lot like you’re consoling everyone else. We can kind of get our needs and desires a bit lost in the shuffle of everyone else’s grief.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

While it’s absolutely part of the process to show up and help the people in our lives who are also grieving, it’s really important that we check in with ourselves and hone in on what we need. Grief looks different for all of us, so what we need from the world will look different, too. If you need to gather around with loved ones and laugh together while you relive old memories, reach out to those trusted few who you most want to be there and do it. Laugh together. Grief can be as joyful as it is sorrowful. If you need to stay home on the couch completely alone, allow yourself to have that time. 

FEEL THE GRIEF

Feeling the grief is really the only way we can move through it. Putting it away and pretending it isn’t happening gives those feelings and fears permission to fester in our bodies somewhere. Let yourself have those things here and now. Break down into a heap in the shower, sit on your front porch in the pouring rain and let the weight of your wet clothes hold you down, fall into the arms of someone you love, scrub your bathroom floor, go for a really long run and sweat until you’re a puddle. 

Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life. ~ Maria V. Snyder, Storm Glass

What do you need right now? As time goes on, and our grief shifts and changes, the things we need in the midst of it can change, too. Give yourself space and compassion to be how you are. 

EXPRESS YOURSELF

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” ~ William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Grief can be especially hard to navigate because it can make so many of us uncomfortable. It reminds us that we aren’t invincible. We are suddenly forced to reckon with our own mortality and that of those we love most. It’s deep and it’s yucky and it makes sense that we want to get through it and over the pain as soon as humanly possible. Grief can ask our brains to get caught in the trap of questioning reality. Usually, there isn’t an explanation or an answer to the “why?” of loss. It might be helpful to tell the story of your lost loved one or to talk about your grief. You may also not want to talk about it at all. Letting it all build up inside of our brains and bodies can feel really heavy. Get it out somehow. 

Journal, make art, spend time in nature, try something new. Get your brain and body on the same page and let yourself explore your own experience in ways that feel approachable, useful and safe for you. 

TAKE YOUR TIME WITH GRIEF

Time really is the greatest healer. It is also one of the most powerful reminders of what we’ve lost. Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries can come and go with varying levels of remembrance, pain, and celebration. Take your time. There is no end date. You don’t have to hurry through the pain. There is no race, finish line, or goal. This process is yours. Timelines are arbitrary.

GET SUPPORT

Lean into your people. We don’t often choose to experience big life events alone, do we? Giving birth and celebrating birthdays are things we do in the company of other people. Death can be the same thing. Find community in people you already know, find support in groups with people who are experiencing similar pain, and a therapist you can trust to help you process and explore your grief.

REMEMBERING

Remember your loved ones how you want to. Join in the rituals, celebrations, and customs that make sense to you in your life. Engage with the world in the ways it makes sense for you, especially when grief is new or especially raw. Just as there aren’t right ways to live, there also aren’t right (or wrong) ways to grieve. 

GRIEF & WHAT WE CAN DO: THE TAKEAWAY

There is a difference between traumatic and ordinary grief. If grief is overwhelming or feels like it is too much to bear, give yourself grace enough to get the support you need. If you need professional help or assistance at any time, seek it out. Your life is important and you are never truly alone. 

List of community resources for ordinary, ambiguous, and traumatic grief:

https://www.griefloss.org/community-resources.html

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Grief & What We Can Do appeared first on Relationship Insights.

Being overweight is something that is still subject to public humiliation as a part of the social norm. It is often thought that it is one’s fault for the size of their body. And, that it is entirely within their control to change the size of their body. It’s a common thought that one should just “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” Or, try a little harder! Then, you, too, can torture your body into submission to become the size that you desire. [Insert diet culture here].

Until 2013, it was not acknowledged by the mental health community that being overweight or overeating might be part of a diagnosable eating disorder. Although many of those who struggled with overeating and sought help were categorized into the “unspecified” eating disorder category. Then, in 2013, the DSM-5 was published. The DSM-5 now includes Binge Eating Disorder (BED) as a diagnosis.

THREE CATEGORIES OF OVEREATING

The DSM-5 acknowledges one diagnosis to characterize overeating as an eating disorder. In my work with clients, I’ve noticed three different categories of overeating. The categories are binge eating, compulsive overeating, and grazing. Here’s a little bit about each one.

ONE: BINGE EATING

Binge eating consists of eating the amount of food in two meals (doesn’t have to be “meal” food) in two hours or less. Also, binge eating is often associated with planned binges. And, the binges include large amounts of food gathered and food is eaten in one sitting. It’s also good to know that if binge eating is followed by purging, the symptoms cross over into Bulimia.

TWO: COMPULSIVE OVEREATING

Compulsive overeating has a controlled flare to it. So, it can be characterized by needing to finish a certain amount of food. Some examples might be a whole box of cereal, all the rows of cookies or three containers of Twinkies. 

THREE: GRAZING

Grazing is when one eats small amounts of food continuously over a long period of time. So, this can lead to overeating without realizing it. Actually, I find this is very common with people who are “too busy” to sit down and eat. It can be the case with moms, who nibble as they can, but keep coming back for more and eat too much. 

BINGE EATING DISORDER IS OFTEN A MIX

In my experience, those who have been diagnosed with BED typically have a mix of these types of overeating. However, only one or two types are treated. Working with a therapist who has eating disorder-specific knowledge can be helpful to identify these patterns. It’s super important to discover and understand the root of the behavior. That way, you can plan and practice to change unhelpful behaviors.

HOW WERE YOU TAUGHT TO EAT?

It may surprise some to know that one of the first questions I often ask my clients is “How were you taught to eat?” This is usually followed by a puzzled look and some sort of reply that they never really thought of it before. However, after digging in often they were taught disordered eating as a child. Or, it was reinforced in some way. Perhaps their parents had eating disorders themselves. And the parents can then pass genetics and parental teaching and modeling down to the children. Which is how overeating and disordered eating patterns might get reinforced. 

I certainly don’t encourage anyone to play the “blame game” as far as past experiences go. But rather, to just understand why people acted the way they did to the best of your ability. And, to try to accept it, forgive it if necessary, and then make a plan for how to move ahead. This is in line with the DBT teachings of “distress tolerance,” and specifically “radical acceptance.” For some of my clients, this meant writing letters that can be burned, as a way of letting go and/or sending the message on to someone who has passed.

SHAME AND GUILT

For those diagnosed with BED, there is always a web of shame and guilt being carried around related to their eating and body. Some have tried any diet or diet program or diet pill that they could get their hands. They do this in an effort to mold their bodies to the desired shape no matter the cost, literally or figuratively. They have been told, and now believe, that they are just not trying hard enough to win at the game of being able to have the “perfect” body. There becomes an acceptable fixation on losing weight, and our “diet culture” is thriving as a result.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

The truth is that we don’t get to pick what shape our bodies are. But there are some things that we do have control over! Get in tune with your body. Eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are full. Do an amount of “joyful movement” that feels good.  Don’t shame yourself when you might eat more than you wanted or needed. Find joy in food and pleasure in eating. Do these things, and chances are your body will even out to be the size that it is supposed to be.

ACCEPTANCE 

For people who struggle with overeating and BED, this may mean accepting that their body size. They may not look like the “goal weight” they imagine. That weight is often their lowest weight as a teenager or young adult. Many feel a sense of defeat at the task. The process of acceptance can be painful but it also opens a path to freedom. Freedom from the discomfort of overeating, and the agony that comes from buying into diet culture.

TUNE IN TO YOUR HUNGER AND FULLNESS 

It’s important to give over control of the shape of your body back to the body! One way to do this is to be in touch with cues such as hunger/fullness. This way, you end the losing struggle of trying to shape one’s body into something it simply isn’t. This also helps with overeating. It’s like setting down the tug of war rope you’ve been battling at for years. There can be a real release of tension if this can be achieved!

NAME YOUR “BEAST”

Shame and guilt are painful. We can alleviate some of the shame and guilt associated with an eating disorder by putting an arm’s length between one’s “authentic” self and our “beast.” Our “beast” is an endearing name (lol) for things we struggle with like an eating disorder, a mental health concern, or a trauma. This wat we are able to characterize behaviors or thoughts from the beast. So, an example would be “My eating disorder got mad at my husband for showing me a video about a woman with an eating disorder.” Which is very different than “I got mad at my husband…” This gives us some distance from the thoughts and behaviors and can give us a chance to respond differently, 

POSITIVE SELF TALK

The internal struggle is very difficult for many, and results in an internal dialogue that can be very “loud” when triggered. One can learn to recognize these thoughts around overeating. Then, start to fight back against them, and use the power of positive self-talk. Eventually, with practice, it becomes easier! We learn to fight back against urges. As a result, they become manageable and less intrusive in life.

SELF-COMPASSION

Finally, I would encourage everyone to be more compassionate toward themselves with overeating. As some of my registered dietician colleagues preach, use “balance, moderation and variety” in your eating. Avoid strict rules in your eating. Listen to the signals from your body the best you can. Then, respond to them. And, understand that no one is a “perfect” eater. The goal is stability, not skinny.

Love your body, you only get the one!

OVEREATING: THE TAKEAWAY

If you are reading this and wondering if you or someone you know might have some of the symptoms of Binge Eating Disorder, talk to a professional. It is an incredibly brave step to decide to speak to a professional. And, it is the first step to getting help. Eating disorders can be “vicious” and may require professional support to navigate, so please reach out!

Nicole Pattee is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Relationship Insights in Minneapolis MN who helps women and. She has a passion for working with chronic illness, anxiety, as well as all things eating and body image. Nicole helps clients get in touch with their authentic selves, take clear action to reach their goals, and learn to listen to their inner voice. She offers concrete skills as well as lots of warm support! Contact her today: hello@insightsminneapolis.com.

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