WHAT IS MINDFULNESS?

Mindfulness has become something of a buzzword lately. Although simple at face value – mindfulness is the act of paying attention to the moment in the moment – it is a complex idea to put into action. The problem many of us face is that we are so accustomed to multi-tasking, numbing, and doing things that take our mind out of the moment, that it seems like a huge battle to try to change that. And why is it important? For the long explanation, see this video. Actually paying attention to one thing at a time in the moment that you are doing it can really change the way you think.

ARE YOU MULTITASKING?

In what ways is multitasking built into your life? Do you have a cell phone bothering you while you are working? Is your smart watch buzzing while you are trying to have an in-person conversation? It feels that the more technology becomes a part of our daily reality, the easier it is to multitask. But the problem with multitasking is that by splitting your attention amongst various tasks, you don’t get to give your full attention to anything, and so all the tasks suffer. Are there ways in which you can cut multitasking out of your life?

CAN EATING BE NUMBING?

In our pop-a-pill culture where we are so intensely medicated by both medical professionals and through legal and illicit drug use that is has become the norm to just numb through difficult emotions or pain instead of figuring out how to cope with them. One drug we don’t talk about as much is food.

People who compulsively overeat often turn to food when they are not hungry, but rather to numb from their negative emotions. This provides a temporary fix until the guilt sets in about overeating and can be especially difficult, as you can’t cut food out of your life like you can with drugs. Seeking therapy can be one way to unload all of the emotions that you might have been “stuffing down” or “numbing” over time so that you can release the pressure that builds.

WHAT’S HARD ABOUT BEING MINDFUL?

Sometimes people are driven not to be mindful. Because, when they are quiet and alone, difficult thoughts often come up. Thoughts related to depression, which usually bring unhappy memories from the past. Or anxious thoughts, which usually makes us worry about the future. Or, even other mental health concerns.

If you find it is difficult to be alone with your thoughts, then it is time to find someone safe to share them with. You might start with a friend or family member but may find someone outside your social life, such as a therapist, helpful with this. If you have any thoughts of harming yourself or others, please seek help immediately by contacting emergency services/911 or a local crisis resource.

HOW CAN YOU PRACTICE BEING MINDFUL?

Part of mindfulness is being in your body in the moment. For some people, this may be somewhat of a foreign concept. We, especially as women, tend to take a position of desiring to change our bodies. It’s very challenging to accept our bodies as they are, and as the only body, we will ever have. Getting back “in” your body and getting in touch with its signals and feelings can build acceptance. The body becomes reintegrated with the mind, which is really two halves of our whole selves.

To start, you might try a body scan. This involves sitting quietly in a comfortable spot with your eyes closed, focusing on relaxing different parts of your body. This falls into the category of “guided meditation,” and can be a great way to get started with mindfulness. Try a search on YouTube or download an app – Calm and Simple Habit are some of my favorites.

MINDFULNESS TAKES PRACTICE

Some of you might have already explored some meditation, and thought “I’m no good at this,” or “I just can’t sit quietly for that long!” Please consider that your mindfulness skills are like a muscle to be built up over time. Check out the video above, by Ron Siegel. In it, he describes your mind as a puppy that you need to be patient with and train by being patient and bringing it back to the task at hand each time it strays. He also describes trying to think of your thoughts as clouds in the sky, just letting them float on by without getting stuck on them or judging your thoughts.

During guided meditations, such as the one linked above, it can be easier to keep your mind on task. This is because there is a voice to focus on and to go back to. After a while you may prefer “open meditation” or just sitting quietly without any guidance. Usually for a set period of time.

WHAT THEN?

Once you start to be in touch with your body, you will start to realize what an amazing machine it is! It is smart enough to tell you when it is hungry, what it is hungry for, when it is full, and when it is tired or in pain. If you can learn to listen to these signals and respond appropriately, your body has the opportunity to find balance and calm.

For more information about how to find peace with eating through honoring your body’s signals, check out intuitive eating.  Do you struggle to identify when you are hungry and when you are full? Or feel that you eat for reasons other than being hungry? If so, you may consider seeking out an eating disorder assessment. Work with an eating-disorder-informed therapist and/or dietitian may be helpful in reestablishing those cues.

MINDFULNESS: THE TAKEAWAY

Challenge yourself to integrate mindfulness into your life one bit at a time is a great way to start! Set an alarm to do a 5-minute meditation during your break at work, or find a meditation that helps you fall asleep. See what sort of calm and peace you can bring to your life by being mindful in this moment. Use all your senses, and observe all that is going on inside and outside of you, without judgment. Be your body’s own best friend and figure out how to receive all the communication it is sending you, and how to take care of yourself best.

Mindfulness is a journey. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us for support if you need some help reading the roadmap.

Nicole Pattee is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Relationship Insights in Minneapolis MN who helps women and. She has a passion for working with chronic illness, anxiety, as well as all things eating and body image. Nicole helps clients get in touch with their authentic selves, take clear action to reach their goals, and learn to listen to their inner voice. She offers concrete skills as well as lots of warm support! Contact her today: [email protected].

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Grief is confusingly universal. While we mostly have a shared sense of knowing that life is ephemeral and loved ones won’t be around forever, the actual experience of loss is often deeply and profoundly different for all of us. It, like the way we love and the way we structure our lives, depends on what we’ve learned about loss. Some of us very genuinely learn that the loss of a loved one is something worth celebrating. Others of us learn that life must pause in honor of those who have gone from this worldly plane to the next. And lots of us learn to avoid the depth of feeling that comes with loss entirely.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

SO, WHAT DO WE DO WITH GRIEF?

So, what we do about grief really depends on a whole lot, too. The most important thing we can do for ourselves when we’re grieving is to give ourselves exactly what we need as we process life on the other side of loss. 

When something happens in our lives, people tend to rush in with advice, words meant to be helpful, and casseroles. Some of that might be helpful and lots of it usually isn’t. It can feel a lot like you’re consoling everyone else. We can kind of get our needs and desires a bit lost in the shuffle of everyone else’s grief.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

While it’s absolutely part of the process to show up and help the people in our lives who are also grieving, it’s really important that we check in with ourselves and hone in on what we need. Grief looks different for all of us, so what we need from the world will look different, too. If you need to gather around with loved ones and laugh together while you relive old memories, reach out to those trusted few who you most want to be there and do it. Laugh together. Grief can be as joyful as it is sorrowful. If you need to stay home on the couch completely alone, allow yourself to have that time. 

FEEL THE GRIEF

Feeling the grief is really the only way we can move through it. Putting it away and pretending it isn’t happening gives those feelings and fears permission to fester in our bodies somewhere. Let yourself have those things here and now. Break down into a heap in the shower, sit on your front porch in the pouring rain and let the weight of your wet clothes hold you down, fall into the arms of someone you love, scrub your bathroom floor, go for a really long run and sweat until you’re a puddle. 

Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life. ~ Maria V. Snyder, Storm Glass

What do you need right now? As time goes on, and our grief shifts and changes, the things we need in the midst of it can change, too. Give yourself space and compassion to be how you are. 

EXPRESS YOURSELF

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” ~ William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Grief can be especially hard to navigate because it can make so many of us uncomfortable. It reminds us that we aren’t invincible. We are suddenly forced to reckon with our own mortality and that of those we love most. It’s deep and it’s yucky and it makes sense that we want to get through it and over the pain as soon as humanly possible. Grief can ask our brains to get caught in the trap of questioning reality. Usually, there isn’t an explanation or an answer to the “why?” of loss. It might be helpful to tell the story of your lost loved one or to talk about your grief. You may also not want to talk about it at all. Letting it all build up inside of our brains and bodies can feel really heavy. Get it out somehow. 

Journal, make art, spend time in nature, try something new. Get your brain and body on the same page and let yourself explore your own experience in ways that feel approachable, useful and safe for you. 

TAKE YOUR TIME WITH GRIEF

Time really is the greatest healer. It is also one of the most powerful reminders of what we’ve lost. Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries can come and go with varying levels of remembrance, pain, and celebration. Take your time. There is no end date. You don’t have to hurry through the pain. There is no race, finish line, or goal. This process is yours. Timelines are arbitrary.

GET SUPPORT

Lean into your people. We don’t often choose to experience big life events alone, do we? Giving birth and celebrating birthdays are things we do in the company of other people. Death can be the same thing. Find community in people you already know, find support in groups with people who are experiencing similar pain, and a therapist you can trust to help you process and explore your grief.

REMEMBERING

Remember your loved ones how you want to. Join in the rituals, celebrations, and customs that make sense to you in your life. Engage with the world in the ways it makes sense for you, especially when grief is new or especially raw. Just as there aren’t right ways to live, there also aren’t right (or wrong) ways to grieve. 

GRIEF & WHAT WE CAN DO: THE TAKEAWAY

There is a difference between traumatic and ordinary grief. If grief is overwhelming or feels like it is too much to bear, give yourself grace enough to get the support you need. If you need professional help or assistance at any time, seek it out. Your life is important and you are never truly alone. 

List of community resources for ordinary, ambiguous, and traumatic grief:

https://www.griefloss.org/community-resources.html

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

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