Grief is confusingly universal. While we mostly have a shared sense of knowing that life is ephemeral and loved ones won’t be around forever, the actual experience of loss is often deeply and profoundly different for all of us. It, like the way we love and the way we structure our lives, depends on what we’ve learned about loss. Some of us very genuinely learn that the loss of a loved one is something worth celebrating. Others of us learn that life must pause in honor of those who have gone from this worldly plane to the next. And lots of us learn to avoid the depth of feeling that comes with loss entirely.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

SO, WHAT DO WE DO WITH GRIEF?

So, what we do about grief really depends on a whole lot, too. The most important thing we can do for ourselves when we’re grieving is to give ourselves exactly what we need as we process life on the other side of loss. 

When something happens in our lives, people tend to rush in with advice, words meant to be helpful, and casseroles. Some of that might be helpful and lots of it usually isn’t. It can feel a lot like you’re consoling everyone else. We can kind of get our needs and desires a bit lost in the shuffle of everyone else’s grief.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

While it’s absolutely part of the process to show up and help the people in our lives who are also grieving, it’s really important that we check in with ourselves and hone in on what we need. Grief looks different for all of us, so what we need from the world will look different, too. If you need to gather around with loved ones and laugh together while you relive old memories, reach out to those trusted few who you most want to be there and do it. Laugh together. Grief can be as joyful as it is sorrowful. If you need to stay home on the couch completely alone, allow yourself to have that time. 

FEEL THE GRIEF

Feeling the grief is really the only way we can move through it. Putting it away and pretending it isn’t happening gives those feelings and fears permission to fester in our bodies somewhere. Let yourself have those things here and now. Break down into a heap in the shower, sit on your front porch in the pouring rain and let the weight of your wet clothes hold you down, fall into the arms of someone you love, scrub your bathroom floor, go for a really long run and sweat until you’re a puddle. 

Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life. ~ Maria V. Snyder, Storm Glass

What do you need right now? As time goes on, and our grief shifts and changes, the things we need in the midst of it can change, too. Give yourself space and compassion to be how you are. 

EXPRESS YOURSELF

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” ~ William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Grief can be especially hard to navigate because it can make so many of us uncomfortable. It reminds us that we aren’t invincible. We are suddenly forced to reckon with our own mortality and that of those we love most. It’s deep and it’s yucky and it makes sense that we want to get through it and over the pain as soon as humanly possible. Grief can ask our brains to get caught in the trap of questioning reality. Usually, there isn’t an explanation or an answer to the “why?” of loss. It might be helpful to tell the story of your lost loved one or to talk about your grief. You may also not want to talk about it at all. Letting it all build up inside of our brains and bodies can feel really heavy. Get it out somehow. 

Journal, make art, spend time in nature, try something new. Get your brain and body on the same page and let yourself explore your own experience in ways that feel approachable, useful and safe for you. 

TAKE YOUR TIME WITH GRIEF

Time really is the greatest healer. It is also one of the most powerful reminders of what we’ve lost. Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries can come and go with varying levels of remembrance, pain, and celebration. Take your time. There is no end date. You don’t have to hurry through the pain. There is no race, finish line, or goal. This process is yours. Timelines are arbitrary.

GET SUPPORT

Lean into your people. We don’t often choose to experience big life events alone, do we? Giving birth and celebrating birthdays are things we do in the company of other people. Death can be the same thing. Find community in people you already know, find support in groups with people who are experiencing similar pain, and a therapist you can trust to help you process and explore your grief.

REMEMBERING

Remember your loved ones how you want to. Join in the rituals, celebrations, and customs that make sense to you in your life. Engage with the world in the ways it makes sense for you, especially when grief is new or especially raw. Just as there aren’t right ways to live, there also aren’t right (or wrong) ways to grieve. 

GRIEF & WHAT WE CAN DO: THE TAKEAWAY

There is a difference between traumatic and ordinary grief. If grief is overwhelming or feels like it is too much to bear, give yourself grace enough to get the support you need. If you need professional help or assistance at any time, seek it out. Your life is important and you are never truly alone. 

List of community resources for ordinary, ambiguous, and traumatic grief:

https://www.griefloss.org/community-resources.html

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Grief & What We Can Do appeared first on Relationship Insights.

Grief. When the word comes up, a lot of us might buckle at our knees a little bit. We might be taken back to the moments of our own grief. The anguish of having lost someone or something that really, really matters is a sensation that circles around with, and within, us. Memories of joy become some twisted version of painful and joyful all at once, and we can feel stuck in the limbo of but what do I do now? So, let’s start with a definition:

WHAT IS GRIEF?

Grief /ɡrēf/

noun
deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.

Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”

Grief isn’t limited to the loss of loved ones to death. In fact, an ever-evolving field of research is in Ambiguous Loss. Ambiguous loss is a loss that is unclear or lacks definition. It’s the kind of grief that doesn’t really have a category with which to explain and people might not think to ask. Because people often don’t really see loss when it isn’t defined, we’re often taught to kind of just stuff it down and carry on. Losses that are ambiguous might look like a miscarriage, trauma, or divorce. Perhaps an elderly parent being diagnosed with dementia or a loved one with a chronic or life-threatening illness. It can also look like a breakup or the losses of a really big important dream.

GRIEF IS OVERWHELMING

It’s easy to become overwhelmed by grief. It, like so many human experiences, is so deeply whole-bodied. Grief is as visceral as it is living in your memories. It’s beyond sadness, it’s sorrowful. It can feel as if nothing will ever be the same. Grief is a natural human response to loss. When something meaningful is no longer reachable, we experience the absence in so many different ways.

While many of us have some knowledge of the stages of grief, I’m going to move away from that way of understanding grief. Mostly because many experts agree that it isn’t exactly right. While we might experience grief in the form of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Most of us will probably not experience our grief in a neat little order that ends with acceptance.

HOW WE DO EXPERIENCE IT?

The way we grieve is dependent on a lot of different variables. It depends on what we believe about the world, about loss, and about ourselves. Also, it can depend on what we’ve been taught, our spiritual beliefs, and our personal experiences. And, our relationship to the person or thing we’ve lost.

There isn’t one way to experience grief, and yet grief is one of the most universal human experiences. While many of us associate grieving with sadness, It can also be compounded and made more complicated by feelings of relief, guilt, or confusion over the loss. For people who become caretakers of loved ones who are dying, they often report a sense of relief when they’re gone. That sense of relief can bring up a whole myriad of feelings that are far less pleasant to experience.

GRIEF: THE TAKEAWAY

Grief is a process. There isn’t a formula for how it’s best done. There aren’t actual stages. It’s an emotionally dynamic reckoning of loss. Finding a place for the expectation that grief isn’t as straight-forward as we want it to be can be a useful way to let ourselves begin to actually experience it, which is one of the only ways we can actually begin to heal.

Grief doesn’t have a timetable. Or a map. It isn’t concerned with what someone else thinks or how someone else is grieving. We can’t lessen the pain or pretend it doesn’t exist because that’s a surefire way of extending the process. You can do this and you aren’t alone.

SOME RESOURCES FOR YOU

In the meantime, here are some wonderful resources and books about grief, and loss. As well as the life that comes after:

• Hot Young Widows Club
  Nora McInerny
• No Happy Endings
  Nora McInerny
• It’s Ok to Laugh (Crying is Cool, Too)
  Nora McInerny
• Terrible, Thanks For Asking (TTFA Podcast)
  Nora McInerny
• It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok
  Megan Divine
• About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope
  Jessica Berger Gross
• Once More We Saw Stars
  Jayson Greene
• How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies
  Therese Rando, PhD
• The Other Side of Sadness
  George Banano
• The Year of Magical Thinking
  Joan Didion

Tune in to our next blogs on grief around the holidays, as well as what you can do to support yourself through the grieving process.

And, if you haven’t yet, check out our Holiday Survival Guide blog series!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Grief, Loss, and Ambiguity appeared first on Relationship Insights.