Grief. When the word comes up, a lot of us might buckle at our knees a little bit. We might be taken back to the moments of our own grief. The anguish of having lost someone or something that really, really matters is a sensation that circles around with, and within, us. Memories of joy become some twisted version of painful and joyful all at once, and we can feel stuck in the limbo of but what do I do now? So, let’s start with a definition:

WHAT IS GRIEF?

Grief /ɡrēf/

noun
deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.

Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”

Grief isn’t limited to the loss of loved ones to death. In fact, an ever-evolving field of research is in Ambiguous Loss. Ambiguous loss is a loss that is unclear or lacks definition. It’s the kind of grief that doesn’t really have a category with which to explain and people might not think to ask. Because people often don’t really see loss when it isn’t defined, we’re often taught to kind of just stuff it down and carry on. Losses that are ambiguous might look like a miscarriage, trauma, or divorce. Perhaps an elderly parent being diagnosed with dementia or a loved one with a chronic or life-threatening illness. It can also look like a breakup or the losses of a really big important dream.

GRIEF IS OVERWHELMING

It’s easy to become overwhelmed by grief. It, like so many human experiences, is so deeply whole-bodied. Grief is as visceral as it is living in your memories. It’s beyond sadness, it’s sorrowful. It can feel as if nothing will ever be the same. Grief is a natural human response to loss. When something meaningful is no longer reachable, we experience the absence in so many different ways.

While many of us have some knowledge of the stages of grief, I’m going to move away from that way of understanding grief. Mostly because many experts agree that it isn’t exactly right. While we might experience grief in the form of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Most of us will probably not experience our grief in a neat little order that ends with acceptance.

HOW WE DO EXPERIENCE IT?

The way we grieve is dependent on a lot of different variables. It depends on what we believe about the world, about loss, and about ourselves. Also, it can depend on what we’ve been taught, our spiritual beliefs, and our personal experiences. And, our relationship to the person or thing we’ve lost.

There isn’t one way to experience grief, and yet grief is one of the most universal human experiences. While many of us associate grieving with sadness, It can also be compounded and made more complicated by feelings of relief, guilt, or confusion over the loss. For people who become caretakers of loved ones who are dying, they often report a sense of relief when they’re gone. That sense of relief can bring up a whole myriad of feelings that are far less pleasant to experience.

GRIEF: THE TAKEAWAY

Grief is a process. There isn’t a formula for how it’s best done. There aren’t actual stages. It’s an emotionally dynamic reckoning of loss. Finding a place for the expectation that grief isn’t as straight-forward as we want it to be can be a useful way to let ourselves begin to actually experience it, which is one of the only ways we can actually begin to heal.

Grief doesn’t have a timetable. Or a map. It isn’t concerned with what someone else thinks or how someone else is grieving. We can’t lessen the pain or pretend it doesn’t exist because that’s a surefire way of extending the process. You can do this and you aren’t alone.

SOME RESOURCES FOR YOU

In the meantime, here are some wonderful resources and books about grief, and loss. As well as the life that comes after:

• Hot Young Widows Club
  Nora McInerny
• No Happy Endings
  Nora McInerny
• It’s Ok to Laugh (Crying is Cool, Too)
  Nora McInerny
• Terrible, Thanks For Asking (TTFA Podcast)
  Nora McInerny
• It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok
  Megan Divine
• About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope
  Jessica Berger Gross
• Once More We Saw Stars
  Jayson Greene
• How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies
  Therese Rando, PhD
• The Other Side of Sadness
  George Banano
• The Year of Magical Thinking
  Joan Didion

Tune in to our next blogs on grief around the holidays, as well as what you can do to support yourself through the grieving process.

And, if you haven’t yet, check out our Holiday Survival Guide blog series!

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Grief, Loss, and Ambiguity appeared first on Relationship Insights.

WHAT IS ANXIETY?

Anxiety is our body’s natural response to stress. Though researchers aren’t totally clued in on how and why anxiety happens, we do have some insights into the process that can be really helpful to remember when we are in the throes of it. First, it’s biological! 

When we are faced with a stressful situation, our body releases hormones and chemicals that signal a shift over to our sympathetic nervous system; the good old fight, flight, or freeze response. Feeling our bodies tense up, our heart rates increase, and our breath becoming shallower and faster is part of this. It’s part of the very old human instinct that wants to keep us safe. It’s a natural defense system so we can get away, fight against, or play dead convincingly enough for the threat to lose interest. In that way, anxiety began as a very helpful tool for avoiding becoming lunch for wild beasts like sabertooth tigers.

However, the way we live our lives in the 21st century often presents stressors that are invisible or really hard to spot. While there isn’t much danger of being eaten by a wild beast anymore, modern-day fears like keeping up with the Joneses, what we look like, how much money we make, and perfectionism – THAT shit is real. Fears of inadequacy and not belonging come up in ways that interrupt our lives, and they can sometimes be extreme. These modern-day fears can be tremendously distressing and isolating. Anxiety is universal and it’s important to know that you are not alone. And the good news is that there are things you can do that really help. 

So, let’s start by talking about symptoms …

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF ANXIETY?

Have you ever woken up out of breath full of dread for some unknown future event? Perhaps your mind won’t stop racing and your body feels as if you’ve been pressed up to the edge of a cliff. Or maybe you find yourself irritable and angry and can’t quite feel a sense of ease, like, EVER. 

Symptoms of anxiety are varied and can interrupt the flow of our lives. It can be a deeply uncomfortable experience to be full of worry and fear. Sometimes the hardest part is to feel as if there isn’t an outlet that can calm the intensity, which often will ramp up the distress even more. Now, remember, though it is uncomfortable, anxiety is part of a deeply normal human experience! 

COMMON SYMPTOMS OF ANXIETY

• Hot and cold flashes and sweatiness
• Chronic rumination or worry
• Shaking or trembling
• Elevated heart rate
• Tight feeling in the chest, chest pain
• Restlessness or feeling on edge
• Fatigue or exhaustion
• Difficulty concentrating or memory issues
• Irritability,  rage or impatience
• Sleep disturbances (it is very common to struggle with falling asleep, staying asleep, or to have very restless and unsatisfying sleep)

It is also very common to experience symptoms of anxiety and depression at the same time. In fact, studies show that of the 12-20% of Americans who visit their doctor for symptoms of depression, about half of them will also have symptoms of depression. Check out our blog post on depression for more info.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

The good news is that there are also lots and lots of things that you and a variety of different trusted professionals can do to help. Here are just some:

GO TO THERAPY

Therapy can be incredibly useful for all forms of anxiety. It can be a place to process the experiences and fears and to get useful feedback from a professional who can provide you tools for when anxiety shows up. Often, some of the stress of knowing anxiety can come is enough to get the cycle started. Having someone on your team to validate, hear, and help you is an invaluable part of living with anxiety. There are lots of different ways to approach treatment for anxiety so shop around! The therapists at Relationship Insights offer free consultations so you have the opportunity to ask questions and find the perfect fit for you. 

SEE YOUR DOC

Because many of the symptoms of anxiety are so physiological, it’s important to visit your doctor to rule out any physical causes. Many people report chest pains and shortness of breath associated with anxiety. While these symptoms of anxiety are relatively common, make sure to be seen by a trusted medical professional to rule out more serious health concerns. Like with depression, it might also be possible to get a referral for a psychiatrist who can provide information about medications that can be prescribed for anxiety. 

MOVE YOUR BODY

Research strongly indicates that exercising can greatly reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression (check out this animated book summary of Spark, by John Ratey – it will blow your mind!). Exercise shifts the hormones and chemicals in our bodies and provides a sense of control over what our bodies are doing in the moment. This can be really helpful! It’s a great way to regulate our breathing, get some fresh air, and to provide an outlet for some of the amped-up feelings that can accompany anxiety. 

MANAGE STRESS

Be really honest with yourself about what is going on in your life and what you need to manage it. This means something different for every person but is vitally important for managing symptoms of anxiety. Eating food that feels energizing, allowing yourself to rest, and brushing up on your time management skills can be really helpful! For some, having a really predictable routine and firm boundaries around when or where we work can be game-changing. Stay tuned for more on self-care, toxic stress, and self-empowerment.

BREATHE

Inhale for a count of 5…4…3…2..1.. Hold 6…5…4…3…2…1… Exhale 8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…

Taking slow, intentional deep breaths can regulate your nervous system, slow your heart rate down if it’s elevated, and bring you back into the present moment. Anxiety often asks us to stay in the past or future, taking a deep breath can connect us back to what is happening right here and now. 

ANXIETY: THE TAKEAWAY

If you’re dealing with anxiety, often, what might work best for you is a combination of many, or all, of these things. Please know that it is totally possible to manage anxiety. Reaching out for help when we’re anxious can feel like a really daunting task. Remember, the therapists at Relationship Insights are trained to help you develop an anxiety game plan of your own and are here to support you every step of the way.

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Symptoms of Anxiety and What You Can Do appeared first on Relationship Insights.

Depression, or some version of “the blues,” is one really common reason people seek out the help of a therapist. For good reason, too! It can be a really life-disrupting experience and really, really hard to experience on your own. Although it’s common for us to feel worried, sad, stressed, and lonely after really big life events, for lots of us those feelings aren’t necessarily associated with anything. It kind of just happens–and keeps happening.

It’s also relatively common to experience depression and anxiety at the same time. In fact, studies show that of the 12-20% of Americans who visit their doctor for symptoms of depression, about half of them will also have symptoms of anxiety (more on anxiety later!). Not only are you not alone, but you’re really, really not alone in feeling all the things that come up when you’re experiencing a bout of the blues.

There are so many different ways that depression can show up, but there are some pretty standard ones that can be helpful to keep an eye out for.

SOME COMMON SYMPTOMS OF THE BLUES OR DEPRESSION

• General unhappiness or despondency
• Diminished pleasure or interest in activities you usually enjoy
• Decrease or increase in appetite, unattributed weight loss or gain
• Slowing down of thought or physical movement
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
• Diminished ability to concentrate or think clearly

On a more nuanced level, you can also feel …

• Empty, purposeless, insignificant
• Constantly worried, uptight
• Somehow exhausted and too freaked out to sleep at the same time
• Lonely, Broken, Sad, Despairing, Down
• Angry, irritable, rageful, restless
• Like you’re seeing everything through a really negative filter

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL THIS WAY

The good news is that there are also lots and lots of things that you and a variety of different trusted professionals can do to help. 

DO SOME THERAPY

Therapy can help depression immensely. There are people out there whose job it is to sit in the darkness with you and to help you find your way through it. Therapists can also help you reframe the feels, stack up some handy coping tools, and remind you that you can actually do hard things. Finding a therapist you really connect with and trust is a really helpful step to take when depression shows up.

MOVE YOUR BODY

Just move your bod. Engage your body in physical activities that allow you to connect with it a little bit. Depression isn’t just in our heads. It’s all connected and our bodies feel the impact a whole lot, too. Go for a walk outside or invite an old friend to try something new like rock climbing or yoga (both show evidence of reducing symptoms of both depression and anxiety). 

GET A CHECKUP

Our brains and bodies aren’t two separate things just kinda floating around together. It’s all part of the same squishy human system and sometimes we can get a little creative with our interpretations of our internal experiences. Symptoms of depression can also be indicative of other things so check it out with a medical professional. It might also be possible to be evaluated for medication and your physician can give you a referral to a psychiatrist, a medical doctor specially trained in psychiatric medication, in your area.

SCHEDULE A CHECK-IN

From checkups to check-ins! Set aside some time, even if it’s a minute or two, e every day to check in with yourself. Mindfulness and awareness of the present moment can be really helpful tools for reframing and fact-checking those unhelpful thoughts. This is a great time to practice radical honesty, too. How are you really? What do you need right now? 

BREATHE

Inhale for a count of 7…6…5…4…3…2..1.. Hold 6…5…4…3…2…1… Exhale 7…6…5…4…3…2…1…

Taking slow, intentional deep breaths can regulate your nervous system, slow your heart rate down if it’s elevated, and re-energize from the fatigue that can accompany depression. 

KEEP GOING

This stuff can be really hard. It can be hard to get out of bed or do the basic self-care things that we can take for granted. It’s also often made so much worse from stigma and the shame that surrounds any mental health diagnosis of any kind. Remember that feeling crappy things isn’t the same thing as being crappy. You aren’t bad because you aren’t feeling amazing right now. Compassion for yourself can go a long way. Let yourself be where you are and remember that you can do hard things. 

THE BLUES & DEPRESSION: THE TAKEAWAY

If you’re dealing with depression, often, what might work best for you is a combination of many, or all, of these things. Please know that it is totally possible to manage depression. Reaching out for help when we’re depressed can feel like a really daunting task. Remember, the therapists at Relationship Insights are trained to help you develop a depression game plan of your own and are here to support you every step of the way.

Relationship Insights Therapy & Coaching offers relationship therapy in Minneapolis, MN. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, Relationship Insights is here to help you improve your relationships. We love doing the deep work that actually makes a difference. If you are up for some powerful insights, deep reflection and some awesome tools then contact us to set up a session today.

The post Getting the Blues and What You Can Do appeared first on Relationship Insights.