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]]>WHAT IS MINDFULNESS?
Mindfulness has become something of a buzzword lately. Although simple at face value – mindfulness is the act of paying attention to the moment in the moment – it is a complex idea to put into action. The problem many of us face is that we are so accustomed to multi-tasking, numbing, and doing things that take our mind out of the moment, that it seems like a huge battle to try to change that. And why is it important? For the long explanation, see this video. Actually paying attention to one thing at a time in the moment that you are doing it can really change the way you think.
ARE YOU MULTITASKING?
In what ways is multitasking built into your life? Do you have a cell phone bothering you while you are working? Is your smart watch buzzing while you are trying to have an in-person conversation? It feels that the more technology becomes a part of our daily reality, the easier it is to multitask. But the problem with multitasking is that by splitting your attention amongst various tasks, you don’t get to give your full attention to anything, and so all the tasks suffer. Are there ways in which you can cut multitasking out of your life?
CAN EATING BE NUMBING?
In our pop-a-pill culture where we are so intensely medicated by both medical professionals and through legal and illicit drug use that is has become the norm to just numb through difficult emotions or pain instead of figuring out how to cope with them. One drug we don’t talk about as much is food.
People who compulsively overeat often turn to food when they are not hungry, but rather to numb from their negative emotions. This provides a temporary fix until the guilt sets in about overeating and can be especially difficult, as you can’t cut food out of your life like you can with drugs. Seeking therapy can be one way to unload all of the emotions that you might have been “stuffing down” or “numbing” over time so that you can release the pressure that builds.
WHAT’S HARD ABOUT BEING MINDFUL?
Sometimes people are driven not to be mindful. Because, when they are quiet and alone, difficult thoughts often come up. Thoughts related to depression, which usually bring unhappy memories from the past. Or anxious thoughts, which usually makes us worry about the future. Or, even other mental health concerns.
If you find it is difficult to be alone with your thoughts, then it is time to find someone safe to share them with. You might start with a friend or family member but may find someone outside your social life, such as a therapist, helpful with this. If you have any thoughts of harming yourself or others, please seek help immediately by contacting emergency services/911 or a local crisis resource.
HOW CAN YOU PRACTICE BEING MINDFUL?
Part of mindfulness is being in your body in the moment. For some people, this may be somewhat of a foreign concept. We, especially as women, tend to take a position of desiring to change our bodies. It’s very challenging to accept our bodies as they are, and as the only body, we will ever have. Getting back “in” your body and getting in touch with its signals and feelings can build acceptance. The body becomes reintegrated with the mind, which is really two halves of our whole selves.
To start, you might try a body scan. This involves sitting quietly in a comfortable spot with your eyes closed, focusing on relaxing different parts of your body. This falls into the category of “guided meditation,” and can be a great way to get started with mindfulness. Try a search on YouTube or download an app – Calm and Simple Habit are some of my favorites.
MINDFULNESS TAKES PRACTICE
Some of you might have already explored some meditation, and thought “I’m no good at this,” or “I just can’t sit quietly for that long!” Please consider that your mindfulness skills are like a muscle to be built up over time. Check out the video above, by Ron Siegel. In it, he describes your mind as a puppy that you need to be patient with and train by being patient and bringing it back to the task at hand each time it strays. He also describes trying to think of your thoughts as clouds in the sky, just letting them float on by without getting stuck on them or judging your thoughts.
During guided meditations, such as the one linked above, it can be easier to keep your mind on task. This is because there is a voice to focus on and to go back to. After a while you may prefer “open meditation” or just sitting quietly without any guidance. Usually for a set period of time.
WHAT THEN?
Once you start to be in touch with your body, you will start to realize what an amazing machine it is! It is smart enough to tell you when it is hungry, what it is hungry for, when it is full, and when it is tired or in pain. If you can learn to listen to these signals and respond appropriately, your body has the opportunity to find balance and calm.
For more information about how to find peace with eating through honoring your body’s signals, check out intuitive eating. Do you struggle to identify when you are hungry and when you are full? Or feel that you eat for reasons other than being hungry? If so, you may consider seeking out an eating disorder assessment. Work with an eating-disorder-informed therapist and/or dietitian may be helpful in reestablishing those cues.
MINDFULNESS: THE TAKEAWAY
Challenge yourself to integrate mindfulness into your life one bit at a time is a great way to start! Set an alarm to do a 5-minute meditation during your break at work, or find a meditation that helps you fall asleep. See what sort of calm and peace you can bring to your life by being mindful in this moment. Use all your senses, and observe all that is going on inside and outside of you, without judgment. Be your body’s own best friend and figure out how to receive all the communication it is sending you, and how to take care of yourself best.
Mindfulness is a journey. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us for support if you need some help reading the roadmap.
Nicole Pattee is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Relationship Insights in Minneapolis MN who helps women and. She has a passion for working with chronic illness, anxiety, as well as all things eating and body image. Nicole helps clients get in touch with their authentic selves, take clear action to reach their goals, and learn to listen to their inner voice. She offers concrete skills as well as lots of warm support! Contact her today: [email protected].
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]]>The post Perfectionism appeared first on Relationship Insights.
]]>PERFECTIONISM
WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM?
per·fec·tion·ism /pərˈfekSHəˌnizəm/
noun
Refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.
Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. ~ Brené Brown
Perfectionism is a very complicated term, in my opinion. It carries with it this connotation of someone who is very “type A,” who is meticulously clean and organizes everything. This is a very narrow view, however, as it is a general mindset that is much more pervasive. Perfectionists hold impossibly high standards in many areas of their life – that things must be or go “perfectly.”
In some ways, this can be a real strength. Any perfectionist can tell you that they likely had very high standards for themselves when it came to grades, and they can be very detail-oriented, which certainly can be a prized skill. They are likely pretty good friends, having impossibly high standards for themselves as friends to others.
In other ways, these impossibly high standards can cause problems. The core nature of life as a human is imperfection. Waiting for a “perfect” time, or expecting someone to be the “perfect” friend, family member or partner can be a set up for failure, as perfection is not ever a likely outcome. Wanting to be “perfect” is also a personal set-up – you will always fail at that. Perfectionism creates standards that are usually very unlikely to ever be met fully.
HOW DO WE COMBAT PERFECTIONISM
How do we start to reverse this rigid way of thinking? Well, the first step is always awareness. Often times perfectionists use what is called in CBT “black and white thinking.” This is the idea that the perfectionist is thinking of things in terms of black or white, ignoring all the “gray area” in-between. An example might be – “I screwed up and ate a handful of M&Ms, so I might as well finish the bag.” The person is thinking that the choices are to not eat any M&M’s, or to eat the whole bag, ignoring the “gray area” of being able to eat anything between one handful and the whole bag. They are thinking in terms of perfect or not perfect. Try noticing if you might be using this “cognitive error.”
GO FOR THE GRAY
One way to try to better accept the “gray” between the black and white is to use a skill from DBT‘s distress tolerance skills – “radical acceptance.” This is the idea that you have no power to change what happened before, but you do have the power to change the future. By identifying and naming what is going on, we can make a plan of attack on how to change it. Say you have a family member who is difficult to get along with, and you struggle to handle the way they are, although they are not likely to ever change. You might choose to accept that they are as they are, and choose to respond in a way that feels good to you. This lessens expectations that they should be perfect.
POSITIVE SELF-TALK
Maybe you are a perfectionist when it comes to your personal standards – you feel that you should always look or act perfectly. You might do some introspection – what led you to this line of thinking? Do you have a parent that is a perfectionist that may have passed along some of their traits? Do you feel like others in your life have impossibly high standards for you? You might try to do some work around trying to “radically accept” your own unique traits or challenges. Try to be a good friend to yourself by being compassionate and forgiving. You might try to incorporate some more Positive Self-Talk into your life and/or seek out some therapy as additional support.
One sneaky way that perfectionism creeps into some people’s life is through what I call “passive perfectionism,” or avoiding doing something because you fear not doing it the “right way” or perfectly. This leads to procrastination, which increases stress and can increase pressure to do things perfectly when you finally get around to doing it if you do it at all. This can also be related to perfectionists stopping creative hobbies (i.e. drawing, painting, writing, etc.) because they aren’t “good enough,” even if they never intend to share the products of their art with anyone.
PERFECTIONISM – THE TAKEAWAY
In what ways can you create more appropriate expectations in your life? Can you start to let control go of needing perfection and start being able to accept things as they are? Once you do, you can stop living in the black and white, and start living in the gray, or as my clients like to call it, the “sparkly rainbow.” Sparkle on my friends.
Nicole Pattee is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Relationship Insights in Minneapolis MN who helps women and. She has a passion for working with chronic illness, anxiety, as well as all things eating and body image. Nicole helps clients get in touch with their authentic selves, take clear action to reach their goals, and learn to listen to their inner voice. She offers concrete skills as well as lots of warm support! Contact her today: [email protected].
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]]>The post Overeating & Binge Eating Disorder appeared first on Relationship Insights.
]]>Being overweight is something that is still subject to public humiliation as a part of the social norm. It is often thought that it is one’s fault for the size of their body. And, that it is entirely within their control to change the size of their body. It’s a common thought that one should just “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” Or, try a little harder! Then, you, too, can torture your body into submission to become the size that you desire. [Insert diet culture here].
Until 2013, it was not acknowledged by the mental health community that being overweight or overeating might be part of a diagnosable eating disorder. Although many of those who struggled with overeating and sought help were categorized into the “unspecified” eating disorder category. Then, in 2013, the DSM-5 was published. The DSM-5 now includes Binge Eating Disorder (BED) as a diagnosis.
THREE CATEGORIES OF OVEREATING
The DSM-5 acknowledges one diagnosis to characterize overeating as an eating disorder. In my work with clients, I’ve noticed three different categories of overeating. The categories are binge eating, compulsive overeating, and grazing. Here’s a little bit about each one.
ONE: BINGE EATING
Binge eating consists of eating the amount of food in two meals (doesn’t have to be “meal” food) in two hours or less. Also, binge eating is often associated with planned binges. And, the binges include large amounts of food gathered and food is eaten in one sitting. It’s also good to know that if binge eating is followed by purging, the symptoms cross over into Bulimia.
TWO: COMPULSIVE OVEREATING
Compulsive overeating has a controlled flare to it. So, it can be characterized by needing to finish a certain amount of food. Some examples might be a whole box of cereal, all the rows of cookies or three containers of Twinkies.
THREE: GRAZING
Grazing is when one eats small amounts of food continuously over a long period of time. So, this can lead to overeating without realizing it. Actually, I find this is very common with people who are “too busy” to sit down and eat. It can be the case with moms, who nibble as they can, but keep coming back for more and eat too much.
BINGE EATING DISORDER IS OFTEN A MIX
In my experience, those who have been diagnosed with BED typically have a mix of these types of overeating. However, only one or two types are treated. Working with a therapist who has eating disorder-specific knowledge can be helpful to identify these patterns. It’s super important to discover and understand the root of the behavior. That way, you can plan and practice to change unhelpful behaviors.
HOW WERE YOU TAUGHT TO EAT?
It may surprise some to know that one of the first questions I often ask my clients is “How were you taught to eat?” This is usually followed by a puzzled look and some sort of reply that they never really thought of it before. However, after digging in often they were taught disordered eating as a child. Or, it was reinforced in some way. Perhaps their parents had eating disorders themselves. And the parents can then pass genetics and parental teaching and modeling down to the children. Which is how overeating and disordered eating patterns might get reinforced.
I certainly don’t encourage anyone to play the “blame game” as far as past experiences go. But rather, to just understand why people acted the way they did to the best of your ability. And, to try to accept it, forgive it if necessary, and then make a plan for how to move ahead. This is in line with the DBT teachings of “distress tolerance,” and specifically “radical acceptance.” For some of my clients, this meant writing letters that can be burned, as a way of letting go and/or sending the message on to someone who has passed.
SHAME AND GUILT
For those diagnosed with BED, there is always a web of shame and guilt being carried around related to their eating and body. Some have tried any diet or diet program or diet pill that they could get their hands. They do this in an effort to mold their bodies to the desired shape no matter the cost, literally or figuratively. They have been told, and now believe, that they are just not trying hard enough to win at the game of being able to have the “perfect” body. There becomes an acceptable fixation on losing weight, and our “diet culture” is thriving as a result.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
The truth is that we don’t get to pick what shape our bodies are. But there are some things that we do have control over! Get in tune with your body. Eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are full. Do an amount of “joyful movement” that feels good. Don’t shame yourself when you might eat more than you wanted or needed. Find joy in food and pleasure in eating. Do these things, and chances are your body will even out to be the size that it is supposed to be.
ACCEPTANCE
For people who struggle with overeating and BED, this may mean accepting that their body size. They may not look like the “goal weight” they imagine. That weight is often their lowest weight as a teenager or young adult. Many feel a sense of defeat at the task. The process of acceptance can be painful but it also opens a path to freedom. Freedom from the discomfort of overeating, and the agony that comes from buying into diet culture.
TUNE IN TO YOUR HUNGER AND FULLNESS
It’s important to give over control of the shape of your body back to the body! One way to do this is to be in touch with cues such as hunger/fullness. This way, you end the losing struggle of trying to shape one’s body into something it simply isn’t. This also helps with overeating. It’s like setting down the tug of war rope you’ve been battling at for years. There can be a real release of tension if this can be achieved!
NAME YOUR “BEAST”
Shame and guilt are painful. We can alleviate some of the shame and guilt associated with an eating disorder by putting an arm’s length between one’s “authentic” self and our “beast.” Our “beast” is an endearing name (lol) for things we struggle with like an eating disorder, a mental health concern, or a trauma. This wat we are able to characterize behaviors or thoughts from the beast. So, an example would be “My eating disorder got mad at my husband for showing me a video about a woman with an eating disorder.” Which is very different than “I got mad at my husband…” This gives us some distance from the thoughts and behaviors and can give us a chance to respond differently,
POSITIVE SELF TALK
The internal struggle is very difficult for many, and results in an internal dialogue that can be very “loud” when triggered. One can learn to recognize these thoughts around overeating. Then, start to fight back against them, and use the power of positive self-talk. Eventually, with practice, it becomes easier! We learn to fight back against urges. As a result, they become manageable and less intrusive in life.
SELF-COMPASSION
Finally, I would encourage everyone to be more compassionate toward themselves with overeating. As some of my registered dietician colleagues preach, use “balance, moderation and variety” in your eating. Avoid strict rules in your eating. Listen to the signals from your body the best you can. Then, respond to them. And, understand that no one is a “perfect” eater. The goal is stability, not skinny.
Love your body, you only get the one!
OVEREATING: THE TAKEAWAY
If you are reading this and wondering if you or someone you know might have some of the symptoms of Binge Eating Disorder, talk to a professional. It is an incredibly brave step to decide to speak to a professional. And, it is the first step to getting help. Eating disorders can be “vicious” and may require professional support to navigate, so please reach out!
Nicole Pattee is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Relationship Insights in Minneapolis MN who helps women and. She has a passion for working with chronic illness, anxiety, as well as all things eating and body image. Nicole helps clients get in touch with their authentic selves, take clear action to reach their goals, and learn to listen to their inner voice. She offers concrete skills as well as lots of warm support! Contact her today: [email protected].
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